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6 Things to Try and Swipe While You’re at an ISU Bar

We all know that person. The person who just can’t keep their hands off of the merch at the local bars. Not only are they handsy AF, but they tend to flat out steal some shit sometimes. People have been drunkenly pawning things from bars for as long as there have been bars, and ISU is no different. Here are six things you can steal from bars around Blo-No if you’re a huge klepto:

6.) Pub II’s infamous Jake from State Farm khakis:
Everyone’s thought about hot pants at least once. Those famous khakis have been in a commercial, which is more than you can say about yourself as a human. Try tearing them off the wall and putting them on. Hell, you might even get your belt undone before some angry patron, staff, or even Jake himself tackles your ass.

5.) Daring dart escapades from Brewe-Ha’s:
The only other thing that’s as synonymous with Brewe-Ha’s as cheap burger baskets, is nice lil game of drunken darts. It’s pretty simple to snag some of those darts, or even a whole goddamn dart board before you slip out the porch entrance. Just hope that no one gives you pursuit, or you’ll be regretting those burgers you have been packing on.

4.) Stealing Daddios’ balls:
One of the most classic things you can do in a bar (besides ya know, drinking), is playing some gd pool. As long as you don’t get your ass hustled for more than a few beers, it’s usually a good time. While you’re at it you can pocket some of Daddios’ balls. Just be careful. Nobody likes to have their balls handled like that.

3.) A couple of stools from Chasers:
People need to sit, especially your drunk ass that has been standing all night. Lucky for you Chasers has a solution for what ails you: a novel invention known as the stool. The kind you plant your buried-in-tution-debt-ass on when you feel like it. If you move fast enough your apartment can have some free new furniture!

2.) Chasers’ fancy glass cups:
Another item that Chasers has in ample supply, is the dignity to hand college students drinks in glassware. Honestly, they should know better. Hand a college student a washable, reusable, stylish piece of glassware? Don’t be surprised when their purse or pants grows an extra couple sizes. And no, it’s not because they’re happy to see you.

1.) Your choice of pitchers:
Whether it be thirsty Thursday, or a packed Pub Wednesday, there are plenty of pitchers around for you to pick from. If only ISU baseball could get pitchers as consistent as these glorified mini-kegs of Bud Light. Pocket one of these bad boys, and bring them back in to ask for a refill. That, or make them a vase for some of the recently rare greenery of ISU.

The thing to remember about bars is that they aren’t exactly worth being put behind bars for. That doesn’t stop many ISU students, and many of the fine Normal establishments know it. Think about it before your shaky, drunk klepto hands try to make a great heist out of an otherwise great night.

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