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6 Ways to Make Money at ISU without Actually Getting a Job

Let’s face it: you’ve looked everywhere for a job. Your parents are cutting you off and you can’t even afford to buy a case of shitty beer to drown your sorrows anymore. No one is hiring (except maybe the dining center, but you’re not ready to stoop THAT low yet). If you’re looking for some easy ways to support your questionable lifestyle without losing the last of your dignity, here are six easy ways to make money around campus:

6.) Trick freshmen into buying your old textbooks:
Every freshman new to campus this semester is a goldmine ready for you to exploit. They’re desperate and scared, they know they need that Math 114 textbook, but what  they don’t know is that it’s basically useless without that access code you used last semester. Meet them at a neutral location wearing sunglasses, ask for at least $100, then run away before they realize you just jipped them.

5.) Invest in some Watty paint:
It’s only a matter of time before someone on your floor chips the tissue-thick layer of paint that was hastily reapplied to their bedroom wall this summer. Make sure everyone knows you’re the one with the paint hookup, and soon people will be chasing you down with $20 bills. If you want to speed up this process, take a piece of tape to your friends walls when they’re not looking, then subtly point out the chip to them later.

4.) Start your own delivery service:
Are your floormate sick of eating disgusting Watty food for every meal? Mention the new Portillo’s right down the street and volunteer to go and get food for everyone. Hike the food price up and add an additional delivery charge while you’re at it. You’ll be making bank as soon as word spreads of your invaluable services.

3.) Stand outside the Vrooman Center and intercept tutoring clients:
Couldn’t get hired at the Vrooman Center? No problem! Just stand outside Hewett-Manchester and any time you see the classic shoulder slump of a defeated underclassmen, you’ll know you’re about to make $20. Tell them you can get them better results for their French class a lot faster than those “professionals” can, then sell them your C- work from high school for another $20. Cha-ching.

2.) Become a personal trainer at the Rec:
Yet another job that campus wants you to think you need to be “hired” to do. Any ISU student has access to the Rec, so just go in and start yelling at people. Stand next to the treadmill as a sorority girl runs off the calories from her last Smirnoff Ice, or shout motivational phrases at everyone climbing the rock wall. Everyone needs an encouraging, “you’re doing great, sweetie” every once in a while. Either they’ll pay you for your help, or they’ll pay you to go away.

1.) Charge underclassmen for your old ENG 101 papers on the Quad:
Freshmen will buy anything. They’re confused and will do anything possible to get through the year without dying. Make that a little bit easier for them by supplying them with some already completed material for their gen ed classes. Worried about getting caught plagiarizing? No problem! Just change all of your main points in the paper. It doesn’t have to make sense to their professor, it just has to be good enough to convince a freshman to buy it.

Getting a job is hard, and after you graduate, it is only going to get worse. It may seem impossible to get a good paying campus job these days, but with these tips, you’ll go from broke to slightly less broke in no time. And really, isn’t that the American dream?

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