All of us dream of moving into our first college dorm here at Illinois State and meeting our new best friend. The person who will bail you out of jail, give the eulogy at your funeral, and get fucked up with you on a Sunday. Unfortunately not all of us get that lucky on the first try, sorry bub. Here are six ways to tell if your roommate is just not that into you.
6.) They screen your calls:
Fewer things are more frustrating than waiting for someone to respond to a text. Let’s be real—does anyone actually go more than two hours without checking their phone anymore? If you’re waiting a virtual eternity for your roommate to text you back, they’re probably avoiding you on purpose cause you smell. Next time your roommate leaves the room to shower, swipe their phone and turn their read receipts on. They’ll never know, but you will.
5.) They start gaining weight…like a lot of weight:
Let’s be real, that unlimited meal plan is pretttttttty sweet, but let’s take a deeper look at the freshman 15. Is your roommate spending an unusual amount of time in the dining hall? Are they walking all the way to Tri because “the food is just better there”? Do they always seem to get hungry whenever you come in the room? If yes to any of the above, they’re stress eating and it’s because of you.
4.) You find them frequently glaring at you:
Scientists speculate that when a cat stares down another mammal, they’re actually running through all the ways they could potentially kill them in their head. Could your roommate be doing the same? Is your roommate glaring into your soul from the top bunk while you study, or do wake up to find them already fully dressed and breathing heavily in your face? Time to stock up on some pepper spray, or like, ant traps or something.
3.) They often smell suspiciously boozy:
Is your roommate drinking the day away? Do you often come back to your room after a long day of classes only to be greeted by an avalanche of empty beer bottles and puddle of vomit in your bed? If your roommate or can only seem to look you in the eye after downing at least two bottles of Captain and whisper mean things to you, they’re just not that into you.
2.) They only travel in packs:
Do you find you can never have quality alone time with your roommate? You’ve asked them to play Scrabble every night this week, but they’re alway “busy with friends”. This is likely because they feel scared and threatened, and like gazelles, they feel much safer in the company of a pack, for extra protection against unwanted visitors, like the lion. Or in this case, uhhhh you.
1.) Making fake plans:
Sure your roommate says they’re going to study in Milner, but how can you be sure they’re not just pretending to be busy to avoid you and your Beanie Baby collection? Next time your roommate tells you they can’t hang out because they need to study, just follow them. It’s the only way you can be sure they’re not lying to your face.
If you’re suffering from any of these roommate symptoms, sounds like you’re roommate doesn’t like you and you might be a little weirdo. Hopefully, you’re just overthinking things, but then again probably not. Sorry, man.
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