Everyone is basically jizzing themselves at the thought of a full week of being knee deep in the ocean completely shitfaced. But take a minute to think about all of the L’s you’re about to take. Now, take another minute to stop and think about all of the things you won’t lose if you decide to stay on the luxurious campus of ISU.
7.) The Free Water Bottle You Got on the Quad and Made into a “Spring Break Bottle”:
Girls put hours of lame-ass work into making a spring break water bottle. Within about half a day it’ll be shoved in the sand under some drunk guy’s cooler. If you stay at ISU, you’ll spend your days walking to Circle K for unlimited polar pops, and you’ll have zero chances of losing your water bottle because there is literally nowhere for you to take it.
6.) Your Healthy Diet of Subway and McAlister’s:
About 90% of your spring break diet is booze. Don’t worry though, because if you stay at ISU you’ll have endless amounts of time to go to our state of the art Rec Center. Not only that, but you probably won’t be consuming alcohol considering you’ll most likely be by yourself doing absolutely nothing.
5.) The Same ISU Clothes You’ve Had Since Senior Year of High School:
Spring break is a week of wearing the same crusty bathing suit, or a shirt that will likely be ripped off within the first 24 hours. At ISU you won’t even change out of your sweatpants for the first three days, let alone lose them.
4.) The New iPhone You Got After Dropping Your Old One in the Toilet at Brewe-Ha’s:
Imagine yourself plastered, wandering aimlessly around a beach. Then imagine yourself keeping track of your phone at the same time. At ISU you won’t have this problem, simply because it will be glued to your side. Whether you’re reading The Black Sheep or spending eight hours attempting to connect to ReggieNet’s shitty mobile version, it’s nearly impossible to lose your phone.
3.) Your Friends:
Navigating through a crowd of people who are smashed out of their minds is basically impossible, especially with five other people. ISU is known for being safe, so if you somehow lose someone, one of the 93,802 campus cops can help you out. But, like we said, it’s very unlikely you’ll lose any friends because they all probably went somewhere fun.
2.) Your Money:
You’ll either spend a shit ton of money to go on spring break, or you’ll blow it on pointless spring break t-shirts. While you might attempt to drown your sorrows at Pub, you still won’t lose as much money as your idiot friends who are blowing a grand to get hammered.
1.) Your Dignity:
If you’re on spring break, you will inevitably lose any of the dignity you thought you once had. Staying at ISU is a fool proof way to not only keep your dignity, but to better yourself. There’s nothing like spending your days at Milner getting ahead, while everyone else has the times of their lives.
If you’re looking to keep all of your belongings, staying at ISU is the way to go. There’s nothing like sitting in your shithole YA apartment by yourself, watching all of your friends’ Snap stories!
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.