At some point during your time at ISU, you’re likely to spot a group of deranged parents with their questionably 12-year-old children frantically trailing behind a red-polo-clad tour guide. We at The Black Sheep have compiled a list of some of the things we know you so desperately have wanted to yell at those over-eager, potential Redbirds to let them know what they’re really in for if they chose to make BloNo their home.
7.) “Don’t Worry About Your GPA, We Accept Everyone!”
If you have been a freshman in the last two or three years here at ISU, then you’re way too familiar with ISU’s leniency to accept hundreds and hundreds of freshmen beyond the amount that they’re actually capable of housing. So, if those potential students are concerned that their ACT scores of 16 will lower their chances of becoming Redbirds, let them know not to worry! ISU will accept them anyway. Sharing a Watterson closet with six others will be the best time of their lives!
6.) “Our Library Isn’t Actually Used for Studying!”
“Club Milner” has really lived up to its name. Unless these future Redbirds can study through the sounds of saws, drills, and the redundant hammering, it’s highly unlikely that they’ll actually get things done. We can assure them, however, that at the rate construction usually gets done in this town, the bathrooms will definitely be finished by their senior year!
5.) “You’ll Never Eat Subway Again!”
If these high schoolers are fans of all things Subway, then ISU is the place for them. In fact, we love Subway so much that instead of using our tuition towards the university, we used it towards building Subways everywhere. What’s more exciting is that even when these visitors leave ISU, they still can get Subway because there’s literally one in the train station.
4.) “Only Come to ISU if You’re Triple-Vaccinated for the Mumps!”
It’s highly likely that these touring children (along with basically everyone else in the U.S.) thought that having the mumps was a thing of the past. We are confident in informing them that they and the current 21,039 ISU students were incredibly wrong! So, unless they want to experience the riveting sensation of causing a mumps outbreak, it’s important to let them know not to come here unless they’ve had at least three vaccines … seriously though … we don’t fucking want anymore outbreaks.
3.) “We Actually Did Sign Kobe Buffalomeat!”
Standing 6-foot-7, ISU is welcoming their newest recruit, Kobe Buffalomeat! While most everyone has heard about the newest Redbird joining the football team, this is great to yell at tour groups because our tour guides actually say this themselves. That’s right! Our current tour guides actually use Kobe Buffalomeat as a selling point to ISU’s prospective students. Who gives a shit about our campus or our pretty average academics? Tell future Redbirds to go here so they can say they go to school with Kobe Buffalomeat!
2.) “If You Aren’t A Business Major, You Don’t Matter!”
Okay… not actually true, but it might as well be. While ISU has a number of excellent programs with even better teachers and students, these incoming freshmen will learn at an early point in their college careers that the COB shits on everyone else (or at least COB students like to think they do). Even if these new Redbirds think they matter, odds are, once they walk near the COB that will all change. So, yell this at the tour group, so that the business and non-business majors know where they stand before they’re even students.
1.) “Have Fun With Your Ever Rising Tuition!”
Now we don’t actually know if the rumors are true, but word on the street is that the whole “locked in” tuition will no longer be a thing. To some people this doesn’t matter, but to others, it completely blows. Tell those incoming students to have fun working at the Watty Dining Center for the next four years!
Despite some of the things on this list, The Black Sheep can assure you that there truly is no place like ISU. Even if you don’t get “locked in” tuition, the amount of booze and the memories are worth every penny!
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