It’s happened to the best of us, and it’s happened to the worst of us. In the jumble of people swarming out of the bars at closing time, you’ve lost your spot in your own Uber to five sorority girls who are barely coherent. After 10 minutes of bitching and moaning, you’re still hit with the reality that you need to find a way back home. Here are seven ways to get home from downtown Bloomington when your Uber has been hijacked.
7.) Walk. Just like the pioneers did:
The obvious answer would be to walk home. This could either go one way or another: your legs will just magically take you home, or turn to noodles and your travel time will be doubled. The best way to do this is to go with a couple of friends who will assist you should you fall or just feel like not walking anymore. If you’re drunk enough, a two mile walk will feel like 2 minutes!
6.) Crash a party bus and hope no one notices you:
Someone has a birthday every day, and the chances that that someone rented a party bus to go to the bar tonight are very likely. No one will even notice considering party busses get crashed all the time. Not only will you be saving a lot of money by not paying for an Uber, but there will be plenty of music and dancing for those who aren’t done partying when they leave the bar.
5.) Snatch someone else’s Uber:
It’s not like this has never happened to you. The key is to just say your name is Katie. You know how many Katies go to this school?? Even if the Uber driver asks for a dude’s name, politely ask them not to question your mother’s decision to name you Katherine after her own mother.
4.) Piss off a cop and spend a night in the drunk tank:
Don’t have any money and not in the mood to walk? Hey, just get arrested! This will bring you right back home and give you a place to sleep for the night (so long as as you have someone to bail you out in the morning). The Normal PD will be sure to get you home safely.
3.) Just like, don’t leave?:
Just never go home, live in Bloomington! You’re too lazy and not creative enough, so just live your days out downtown at the bars. That’s one way to make yourself known in the downtown scene. If you hang out long enough you’ll be able to find a way home the next week.
2.) Take a nap and hope for the best:
This is probably the least responsible thing to do, but someone is bound to get you home eventually. That, or the hospital will scoop you up. As long as you don’t wake up exactly where you passed out, you’ll be fine!
1.) Steal a bike and pedal to the metal:
This one is kind of a stretch considering there may not be any bikes sitting around on a Saturday night. If you’re lucky enough to find a bike, just take it and be on your way back home. You might even beat your Uber home.
You’ll never be hopeless when your Uber is hijacked if you follow these clever tips.
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