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How to Bring Home the Gold at the ISU Winter Olympics

The Winter Olympics are finally here, giving us another excuse to drink and pretend like we care about mustached men from Canada throwing heavy rocks down a long stretches of ice. At ISU you too can be an Olympian! Let’s just call Watterson Towers Olympic Village. There are enough people in that frickin’ building, we have to assume most of them are fucking. Get your bundled up butts out into that biting Illinois wind because we have seven events for you that would be in an ISU Winter Olympics.

7.) Extreme winter Quad discus:
Nothing says extreme winter sport like dodging a frisbee coming right at your head. It’s time to make this “summer” pastime into the ultimate winter game. All of that pristine white snow isn’t going to fuck itself up. Get that heart rate up enough and you might be able to forget about how bad your face hurts.

6.) Parkour marathon back from DT Bloomington:
Sometimes you’d rather risk frostbite in a marathon sprint back to your apartment over paying for Uber’s surge prices. On a normal Normal night walking home tipsy is hard enough. Having to hurtle snow drifts, and wading through slush puddles makes it a triathlon that should give out beer capped metals at the end.

5.) College Ave. car slalom:
The light is green, but no traffic is coming down the long ass one way that is College Avenue. You jump into the street to find that the black asphalt was actually black ice. A car rounds the bend, and that’s when the sport begins. Slaloming ’round those cars is nothing compared to dodging your least favorite attendance-mandatory class, so get ducking and weaving, and tuck your goddamn knees.

4.) Sliding by in a class:
Technically this isn’t an exclusive winter sport, but it’s definitely aided by the days when your professor can’t be arsed to make it to campus due to the weather. Use the lack of friction in the winter to just breeze on through your course. Oh a project? “*Cough Cough* Sorry prof, I’m sickkkkk.”

3.) Pothole ice skating:
These deep testaments of failure to the infrastructure around campus are normally just an annoyance on your way to Manchester. But, in the winter they fill up with enough snow and ice to make tiny, baby ice rinks. Get your friends together and start a skating competition of the century. Just hope that traffic respects your twirling skills more than the green light they just got.

2.) Slush wrestling:
After a fresh snowfall there’s nothing as wet and as disgusting as the entrance to the Watterson Dining Center. It’s pointless to even try to dry your shoes in that mess. Wrestling has been a part of the Olympics since ancient times (at least that’s what you’ll tell your friend when you push him down into the black sludge and suplex them screaming “ROADHOUSE”).

1.) To-go box curling:
Campus tours are more exciting than watching someone push a cold rock down an ice hallway. What would really spice things up for that ISU flavor is  pushing a Watty to-go box, stuffed to the brim down those icy streets and right into your apartment. 10 points if you trip a bystander Jaywalking.

So, in the spirit of the winter Olympics, get out onto campus and host your own games. One of two things will happen: you’ll look a fool in public, or people will really want to get involved and start betting.

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