Disgruntled Turkey Terrorizes Town of Normal

author-pic at Illinois State University  

In the days leading up to Thanksgiving break Watterson’s Dining Commons always has a special Thanksgiving-style dinner, complete with turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. Students get to enjoy a pre-Thanksgiving feast. However, The Black Sheep met a certain turkey who doesn’t feel as enthusiastically as everyone else does about the holiday. 

“Now listen here, I may be a turkey, but I ain’t no jive turkey,” the enraged bird told us as he lit a cigarette. When asked his name, he took a long drag before muttering, “Butterball.” After a few moments of silence, one of our staff members couldn’t hold back his laughter anymore. Four beak puncture marks, one trip to the hospital, and one less staff member later, we continued to interview Butterball.” 

“I escaped from a farm just a few years ago. Overheard what they were planning to do with us and decided to get the hell outta dodge. I tried to warn the others but they just thought I was crazy,” Butterball’s eyes glazed over as he took a long drag, “Now they’re all dead. They’re all dead and ol’ Butterball is left to pick up the pieces.” 

After an uncomfortable amount of silence he continued. “Anyway, I wandered around and was passing through town, just walking along, when I happened to glance through the window of what I learned to be ISU’s dining center. My beak dropped, I just couldn’t believe my eyes. There was a line literally wrapped around the room and what were people waiting for? A turkey dinner. That was it. That’s when it happened. Right then and there I decided I was gonna change the way things work.” 

Butterball lost his mind. Engulfed in his own rage, he burst through one of the Dining Commons windows and began to attack everyone he saw holding a plate full of turkey. Once he made his message clear, Butterball bounced.  

“It was awful!” Alisha Crane said about the incident. “The dining center workers tried to control it but that was one angry turkey! I heard five kids even had to go to the ER! They said it was the worst case of turkey-related injuries they’ve seen since the turkey shortage of 1990. I just hope those poor students’ beak wounds heal soon.” 

Butterball, now having satisfied his bloodlust, wandered around Uptown, taking in the sites and admiring the beautifully-lit trees. He was walking along when he noticed a sign painted on the window of Medici that read: “Come in and gobble up some turkey!” Just like that, the rage returned. Almost instantly, Butterball burst through the doors and began the second part of his rampage.  

The Black Sheep sat down with restaurant patron Jerry Salk who was present for the incident. “Stuffing…stuffing everywhere,” Salk whimpered as he wrapped a blanket tightly around himself. “I was sitting at the table with my family when all of a sudden this turkey just ran into the restaurant and before anyone could do anything, just started attacking anyone who was eating a turkey dinner. Thank god I’m a vegan!” He paused to take a bite of his tofurky before continuing, “It was like something out of a turkey-based horror movie. Children were screaming, stuffing and bits of turkey were flying around, and I’m pretty sure more than one person’s eye was pecked out.” 

Butterball was finally chased out by the managers after an hour or so. We caught up with him as he picked himself up and dusted off his feathers. “This ain’t the end of it. I won’t stop until my brethren are safe and warm in their own homes and not some human’s plate!” 

And just like that, Butterball flew off into the night, leaving only the smell of his cigarettes and the hatred of Thanksgiving behind him.