NORMAL – Dylan Daniels, a brother of Penta Delta Fraternity at Illinois State, spent nearly all of New Year’s Eve scrolling and tweeting on his cracked iPhone CS6.
“When we went out together I was hoping that we we’re going to do some really cool bro stuff,” said Alex Sparks, a Delta Delta Delta Delta Delta frat brother of Daniels’. “I was planning on touching girls’ butts, playing the crane machine together, and doing that thing where we take a shot of Fireball, and make eye contact for an uncomfortable amount of time. But I wasn’t able to do any of that because Dylan didn’t even look up from Twitter once!”
Witnesses that evening confirmed that Daniels arrived at Pub II on New Year’s Eve at 9:45 p.m., showed his ID to the bouncer, while still on his phone, and then moved promptly to the first booth on the left.
“I couldn’t tell what he was ordering; he was mostly just mumbling about what hashtag to use under his breath. It’s like he didn’t even care about trying to figure out what the fuck was going on during Mariah Carey’s performance… unbelievable.” said Tiffany Milner, a waitress at Pub II.
After two Bud Light Limes and a Green Apple Angry Orchard, Daniels made his way to the bathroom and bumped into a girl who had also been spending the entire night on Twitter.
“It’s crazy how someone could just not look up from their phone and run into you,” said Ashely Gabel, a sister of the Delta Sigma Tri sorority at Illinois State. “This random guy favorited my tweet, and it turns out it was the guy who ran into me. So I followed him on Twitter and then he started to direct message me if I wanted to add him on Snapchat.”
After adding Gabel on Snapchat Daniels went back to his booth to Snapchat his new contact, unfazed by the confetti falling from the ceiling and the rest of the patrons getting ready to welcome the new year.
“Once we were on Snapchat, I was a bit tipsy, so I snapped her dope picture of myself sitting in the booth drinking my SECOND Green apple Angry Orchard and she really dug it. Then I asked her to friend me on Facebook, and hit my up on LinkedIn,” said Daniels
Gabel was quick to respond to the forwardness of Daniels. “Once we we’re on LinkedIn I knew that he meant business, so I invited him over to my place to watch some Hulu, Netflix, HBO Go Crackle, Seeso and obviously check out what’s new on Amazon Prime this month. We connected so genuinely, it’s like I couldn’t even remember why we were at Pub in the first place or why Ryan Seacrest’s face was all of the TVs.”
The couple left the bar before midnight, running into two bar patrons, two separate tables, and a crane machine while direct messaging each other on LinkedIn.