ISU Fraternities Renamed for What Their Names Kinda Sound Like

author-pic at Illinois State University  

Maybe we’re out of the loop, but we’re pretty sure ISU frats names are hard to pronounce. Sure, dress someone up in a blunt costume, put a jersey on his chest, a Busch Light in his hand, and a pair of Sperrys on his feet and you’ve got yourself a damn good mascot, but is that really representative of their name? We don’t think so. It doesn’t feel right, and it’s super general. So, here’s something a bit more specific, based on nothing but the way those weird Greek letters sound:

Sigma Nu: Manu Ginobili: 

You know, the European basketball player on the Spurs who is (maybe?) still in the league? Come on, the dude perfected the Eurostep. And he’s got like, what, 40 rings? Who wouldn’t want this guy as a mascot? Sure, he’s got a big nose, but we bet he’s also got a big heart.

Alpha Tau Omega: Alphabet Soup:

Get it? Alpha-bet soup. Everyone loves this stuff. You can spell funny words like ‘poop’ or ‘butt’ with it, it tastes like salty, wet cardboard, and it’ll remind you what you have to do after college. It definitely gets bonus points for being SpongeBob reference-able too.

Delta Chi: Helmet Guy:

We definitely could’ve gone with the obvious and overly-used ‘Felta Guy’ thing, and believe us, we considered it, but ultimately, we think this is better. What’s baffling is that there’s not really a meme out there about the proverbial ‘Helmet Guy,’ so just imagine either Daft Punk or Jon Heder from The Benchwarmers.

Farmhouse: ???: 

We literally have nothing. How is this even a thing? A barn, maybe? Or a cow. Something country. Maybe ‘Parm Mouse,’ but that just sounds gross. Whatever it is, it sings along to Toby Keith at all times.

Phi Kappa Psi: SyFy TV Channel:

Flip around ‘Phi’ and ‘Psi’ and it’s literally in the name right there. For those of you unfamiliar with the SyFy channel, it’s the channel responsible for movies like Sharknado, or any other painfully ridiculous film that was apparently made by a blind person using Microsoft Paint.

Alpha Gamma Rho: Gavel:

We were, going to say hammer, but we thought maybe that was a stretch, so we turned it into a hammer that starts with ‘G.’ See, the problem here is that ‘gavel’ in almost no way sounds like ‘Gamma.’ But if you think hard, it’s a hammer that starts with a ‘G.’ A gammer, if you will.

Was your frat not included? Do you feel personally attacked by this article? Have you or a loved one been affected by mesothelioma? THEN YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO FINANCIAL COMPENSATION. Just kidding, we don’t have any money. 

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