We’ve prodded and pried through the data, and observed student life at ISU. Our findings determined by years of research are described in the graphs below:
The freshmen at Illinois State are unsettlingly antisocial. Although they love to seem social, they spend the majority of their time on their phone scrolling through the same Facebook and Twitter feed for 30 minutes. Then they promptly move back into the dorm where they no longer have to appear social.
Students want to seem like they care about class and school, but the moment they see an exponential functions problem, they secrete a small amount of feces in their pants. This small amount of feces creates a desire for any student to want to leave college forever. Traumatic, we know.
“Fuck” is a very fun word to say.
The first 15 parties that we surveyed had a 60:40 split between Keystone Light and Busch Light. Following those parties the ratios between the two evened out to an equal 50:50. We’re so diverse here in Normal.
Although most students enjoy listening to music, having headphones seems to be a defense mechanism for ISU students. As they can help you avoid those hellish convos when seeing someone you barely know.
This shows that for whatever reason at 12 a.m. students, of the theater orientation love to sing renditions of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and show their genitals while highly intoxicated. Do we understand this? Nope.
If you look at the column at the right you can see that literally none of the textbooks that the students bought were used. We’ve thought of a better way to spend that $1,200. Throw your money into a large trash can and light a match and watch your money burn. Spending your money this way you can create a ΔH of 200-350 Kelvin. Cool right?
“Shit” is an overarching term containing any type of stupid shit like, “Want a drink?”, “Can I have your nummmber,” or the most popular, “Wanna come party?”
We hope that our extensive research of the students at Illinois State helps shed light on the complex, yet, simple life of a student at Illinois State.
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