Honest Slogans for Every ISU Bar

author-pic at Illinois State University  

We’ve all been there. It’s Saturday night, you’ve been pre-gaming since 9 a.m., and you’re trying to figure out which bar you should get vodka Red Bulls at before you pass out on the floor. Wouldn’t it just be easier if the bars were clear about what they offer? No frilly bullshit, just straight-up facts. Well, to make life easier for all of you, the wonderfully hilarious writers at The Black Sheep compiled these honest ISU bar slogans for you. BloNo bars, get mad.

Pub II: “Famous for cheeseballs and miserable Thursday morning classes.”

We have a lot of words to say about Pub II. But no matter how you feel about the Pub, those cheeseballs are fucking bomb. And the mornings after, are fucking not.

Daddio’s: “Want to get a drink fast? Well, then get in line.”

Tell us this one isn’t the most accurate. Ever been to Daddio’s on a Saturday? It’s like fighting through a stampede of horny wildlings that just want “one more vodka Red Bull.”

Chaser’s: “Bro, who do you know here?”

This one speaks for itself. We get it Chaser’s, no geeds allowed.

Lunker’s: “KARAOOOOOOOOKEEEE.”

Lunker’s is actually kinda dope. And there’s nothing more fun than getting drunk and fucking up the lyrics to Chumbawumba.

Maggie Miley’s: “We have fancy booze, and lots of it.”

Drinks are expensive here, folks. Chill here for an hour and you’ve spent enough money to literally buy a different bar. Exception: Whisky Wednesdays.

Drifter’s: “It seems like there’s more people standing outside than there are inside.”

Maybe it’s just us, but Drifter’s patrons always seem to be outside the bar smoking cigarettes instead of inside. It’s not a problem, just an observation.

Firehouse: “Hey, we’re a bar too!”

Truthfully, Firehouse probably doesn’t care about how many college students come in. Having said that, not very many people say, “Let’s go to Firehouse tonight!”

Mulligan’s: “Come for the Long Islands, stay because you’ve had too many.”

Fuck those Long Islands. They have been the cause of way too many bad decisions and impromptu vomit sessions. But, Jesus, those things are good.

Fat Jack’s: “We’ve got a pool table, but it’s never open.”

Fat Jack’s is kinda dope. They got the chill ass lounge and the dance floor and shit. But for real, buy another pool table.

Killarney’s: “Southside kids only.”

Hey, good for Killarney’s, they found their niche. Anyone Irish, from the south side, or just drunk loves this place. And great popcorn.

 Argue all you want, but that shit is spot on.

– P.S. – Please still let us drink at your bars.

 

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