How to Score a Sweet Seat at Milner in the Grips of Finals Week
Before you can celebrate the most wonderful time of the year, you have to suffer through the worst time of the year. It’s the last week of the semester and you finally realized that you should probably get to Milner, or you’ll be re-taking MAT 113 for the third time. Finding a seat at Milner on finals week is kind of like knowing a Smash Mouth song that isn’t “All Star.” It’s very rare, and always uncomfortable. So, here are a few things you can do to find a seat and get your study on.
Stare at Someone Until They Leave:
No one can stand eye contact for longer than seven seconds with a stranger. Find the most socially awkward looking kid on floor three, and stare them down until they’re uncomfortable enough to leave. The closer to their face you get, the better chance your butt will have of sitting where theirs used to be.
Sit on Someone’s Lap:
In case staring someone down wasn’t enough to make them leave, sitting on their lap is sure to do it! There’s no way anyone can focus if there’s another human being on top of their thighs. If they ask you to get off, just pretend like you didn’t hear them and gyrate to rhythm of ISU’s fight song.
Make Your Own Seat Out of Books:
Sometimes sitting on another person’s lap isn’t a foolproof plan, so you’ll have to get creative and build your own seat. There are lots of cool things at the library like books and…well, more books! Grab a pile of them, stack ‘em up, and turn them into your own homemade chair! Wow! Books are so cool!
Passive-Aggressively Tell Someone to Leave:
Books actually kind of fucking suck, especially when you sit on them. You’ll probably have to try a different method and boldly ask someone to give up their chair. Confrontation can be awkward, so the best way to ask someone to leave is to be passive-aggressive about it. We recommend using a whiteboard to share your words.
Bring a Dog:
Unfortunately, most students are selfish pricks and refuse to give up their seat for you, even when you write in your best cursive. So, you might need to try something else. Our personal favorite is the classic buy-a-dog-and-pretend-like-you’re-one-of-those-people-that-brings-in-dogs-to-the-library-so-students-can-relieve-their-stress-by-petting-the-dog trick. This plan is pretty self-explanatory. Then, when the students go to pet your dog, you can steal one of their seats! It works every time.
Sit in a Trashcan:
Dogs are expensive and difficult to take care of. Sometimes you just have to realize that you’re a piece of trash and all of your ideas are trash. You need to accept the fact that maybe the reason you’re doing so poorly in class is because you’re trash, and even if you try to study, your grade will still be trash. So get in a trashcan, you trashy piece of trash, and attempt to study.
Befriend a Librarian:
Wait, you don’t have to be a piece of trash after all! Instead, become friends with a Milner librarian! They’re pretty nice, and they might even be able to stake you out a secret Milner study spot. What have you got to lose?
Become a Librarian:
Better yet, become a librarian! Milner not only hires students, but is also very good at working around your schedule. Working at Milner will give you plenty of time to do homework, and you can study at one of those cool librarian desks!
Pull the Fire Alarm:
Or, you could just say “fuck it” and pull the fire alarm. Then you get to choose whichever seat you want!
Whether you take our advice or not, The Black Sheep wishes you the best on your finals this semester, and we hope that you don’t suck too badly.