Top 10: Cures for the Back-to-ISU Blues

author-pic at Illinois State University  

Everything is returning to Normal, not that that’s a good thing. Have no fear, here’s ten things to cure what ails ya.

10.) Booze: It’s been scientifically proven that the best way to rid yourself of any unwanted emotion is through alcohol. Trust us, would we lie to you? Of course not! All we know for sure is that 10 shots deep, you won’t even remember your own name, much less the fact that you’re back at ISU.

9.) Assert Dominance: Nothing says, “I’m an adult” like pushing around those lowest on the totem pole. It’s impossible to be sad when everyone knows you’re at the top of the chain of command—just look at Hitler. That was the ‘stache of a happy man, are we Reich? 

8.) Exercise: One of the best ways to cheer yourself up is to get your endorphins going. Conveniently, we have a state-of-the-art Recreational Center, just a jog away, which can double as a landmark to judge how far you are from Chipotle. After the longest jog of your life, you’ll be so ready for that burrito that nothing else in the world will matter.  

7.) Bowling: Yeah you read that right, bowling. Why does ISU have a goddamn Bowling and Billiards Center? That, my friends, is an age-old mystery. The only thing we know for sure is that aggressively hurling a weighted ball down a lane and watching it roll over all those smug white pins gives people a sick satisfaction that can’t be topped.  

6.) Party Hardy: All you need is a dark basement, EDM music, copious amounts of hallucinogens, and all that sexual tension that hangs over frat parties like the mists of Avalon.

5.) Subway: This is it. The epitome of happiness. At Subway, this swirling vortex of terror that we call life is calm and, for once, you’re in control of it. You’re never judged here, simply accepted for who you are and the choices you make. Wanna throw some extra olives on that foot long? Go for it. Some rusty nails? A little tetanus never hurt nobody, says Subway! 

4.)  Sleep for Days: Literally. When you’re asleep, it’s a known fact that all of your sad-frowny-time receptors turn off and your dream machine turns on. So, basically, yes you’re back at school, but if you cocoon up in bed for a few days you’ll be in happy dreamland fighting dragons and banging Kate Upton, or whatever it is you insane people dream about.  

3.) Stylishly Late: It’s the first week back in class and no one wants to be there, so don’t bother showing up to your classes on time like everyone else—they’re all dead inside. Just go with what your heart feels, take your sweet time getting ready and remember what they say, “When you look good, you feel good and when you show up to class on time, you slowly die inside.”

2.) Become an Addict: College is all about trying new things and you know what they say, “A little meth never hurt nobody.” Not into the hard stuff…yet? Maybe one day. But until then, cigarettes will do nicely. No matter the vice you pick, chances are you’ll be more concerned about your disgusting new habits than you are with school starting. 

1.) Hunt for Hoes: Nothing soothes the soul quite like a trip to Pleasureville with some easy broad you met during Chillabus Week.