After four (five to six…?) years at ISU, you’d think you’ve done it all. But think again, because The Black Sheep has come up with the ultimate list of things to do your last night on campus.
10.) Steal a Bottle of Burnett’s From 707 (Without Throwing Up in Your Mouth):
Tonight has to start somewhere, so it’ll start with the sole source of your drunkenness freshman year. And at no extra cost to you, seeing as you’ll be paying off student loans for the next 30 years.
9.) Climb to the Top of Watty Using Only the Stairs and What Little Endurance You’ve Worked Up From the Two Times You Went to the Rec This Semester:
Sure, you’re not athletic, but, c’mon, it’s your last night at the ilstu. If you’re gonna get through this, you need to drink. If you’re gonna drink, you need to get thirsty. So, climb those stairs until you’re parched enough to down that bottle of Burnett’s you stole.
8.) Get Shit-Faced in Watty’s Shitty Elevators:
Sure, you’ve been drunk in a dorm elevator before, but have you ever gotten drunk in dorm elevator? It’s your last chance, so drink up, rookie.
7.) Press the Button on a Quad Blue Emergency Light:
Again, we know you’re not athletic, but the police will probably be pissed at you for faking an emergency so it’s probably best to run. But are you faking it? No. Graduation is a fucking emergency. You are in no way ready to put on your cap and gown and leave.
6.) Put on Your Cap, Your Gown, and a Ski Mask and Hold Up the Lobby Shop:
What’s more exhilarating than graduating with no job prospects and a bunch of debt? Doing so with a sugar high. Steal all the 25 cent Airheads you can stuff into your robe and GTFO. If the student worker catches up to you, spray them with Burnett’s. It’s basically pepper spray.
5.) Strip Tease in Milner:
Get that cap and gown off (and the cutie two tables down). After four years of cramming in Milner, it’s time for your body to be studied. So, teach these library nerds a thing or two about what four years of Jimmy John’s and Fiesta Ranchero can do to the human form.
4.) Go to the Rec and Work Out…the Perfect Starbucks Drink:
At this point, it’s too late to fix your body, but thankfully, you can sneak into Starbucks after hours and fix yourself a drink (this is gonna be a long night). Write someone else’s name on your cup so that you can pretend you’re someone who’s not a graduating senior.
3.) Sneak into the CPA:
Since you can’t get out of graduating, you should at least start acting like you have your shit together. So, go on stage and start the performance. Or at least flash the empty auditorium.
2.) Eat Corn on the Cob at the COB:
And take pictures of you doing it. Put it on Snapchat, Insta, Twitter – whatever – and caption it: “Cob > COB.” This is one last way for you to shit on the business majors before they’re officially more successful than you.
1.) Fall Asleep in Fell Hall:
The Insta caption will be epic, and the row of water fountains will be great for your hangover. No big deal if your alarm doesn’t wake you up, because you didn’t really want to graduate anyway.
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