‘#1 Program in Nation’ Only Thing on UIUC Civil Engineer’s Resume for Career Fair
Today marks the beginning of the Fall Engineering Career Fair, where engineering students on campus will arrive in sweaty flocks to beg for a career that promises the starting salary they always brag about to College of LAS kids. Career fairs can be intimidating to some, but fortunately, the civil engineering majors have an insane amount of confidence for their conversations with recruiters.
“All my friends have been getting their resumes critiqued by the Career Center and learning how to write complete sentences for the first time,” said civil engineering major Max Martin. “But those losers don’t have what I have, which is a piece of paper that says ‘The UIUC civil engineering program is ranked #1 in the nation’ in a huge, 30-point font. It also includes my name, of course. What else do they need to know about me?”
In preparation for the fair, Martin printed 50 paper copies of his resume in Comic Sans. However, Martin’s idea is not original, seeing as Engineering Career Services are the ones who recommended this practice to Martin and the hundreds of other civil engineering majors.
“We treat the civil engineers like royalty here, all because some magazine told us they were #1. If you read something online, then you know it must be true,” said Director of Engineering Career Services Arnold Smith. “There’s no point in them sharing their qualifications on some piece of paper that’s supposed to represent all of their accomplishments, all that matters is that #1 ranking, baby.”
The resumes will ultimately save the engineers’ precious breath, who, on average, brag about their ranking 20 times a day.