Many Illini claim to be “broke college students,” but with $40,000 of tuition a year and Red Lion charging $10 cover, many students actually ARE broke. In turn, they can’t afford GrubHub. Here are ten ways to tip your UIUC GrubHub delivery driver when you don’t have a dollar to your name:
10.) Perform a jig:
Your GrubHub delivery driver won’t realize you’re emptyhanded if you answer the door performing a nice jig. Remember that one Irish dance you learned in DANC100 and dance your little heart out. If they’re impressed, they’ll keep time by clapping their hands, and if you’re really lucky, they’ll tip you.
9.) Fake an exorcism:
If your delivery driver walks in on your roommate giving you an exorcism, they may feel inclined to run away after chucking your bag of Wingin Out at you. Remember: a little contorting, screaming and compelling of Christ will go a long way.
8.) Give them a fake coupon:
Write a fake coupon on a Post-It note with a Sharpie that says “Good for one free tip, order of GrubHub” and present it to the delivery driver. They’ll scan you up and down a couple times like they’re bouncing at Cly’s, but eventually they’ll take the coupon and go back to their shitty lives.
7.) Give them a bite:
So you ordered nachos from Burrito King via GrubHub. First of all: why? Second of all: why give the delivery person a monetary tip when you can give them an edible one?
6.) Pass the j:
Does your GrubHub delivery driver smoke the doobies? Does the Illini football team suck? Light up and offer a hit or two to your GrubHub buddy. Before you know it, you’ll both be lounging on your futon, watching South Park and eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
5.) Let them pet your dog:
If you’re a highly irresponsible college student, you probably own a dog that you have no time to care for. Since Champaign-Urbana is pretty deprived in the way of furry friends (unless you’re a furry yourself), as soon as your dog runs up to the delivery driver and slobbers on them, all tips will be forgotten.
4.) Start counting out your tip in change:
Dimes and nickels will do, but strictly using pennies is the best way to go about tipping your delivery driver. As soon as they see you start slowly but surely counting the pennies in your change purse, their reaction will be to say, “that’s alright” and go on their merry way.
3.) Flirt with them:
The oldest trick in the book, and you might not have to give them an OTPHJ! Some flirting will put a spring in their step as they leave. Tell your delivery driver that his early 1980s, serial killer glasses and long, greasy hair are super cute.
2.) Fake a language barrier:
You spoke perfect English over the phone, but GrubHub gets so many orders, there’s no way they remember! Remain PC by making up your own alien language, and when they ask for a tip, respond in “gleeps” and “glorps.” If they put their hand out for the tip, give them a high five.
1.) Pretend to recognize them:
You totally remember your delivery driver from fifth grade math class! Yeah, that’s definitely where you remember them from! By now, your delivery driver will be racking their brain to remember you. They should feel both welcomed and uncomfortable enough to leave immediately.