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The 5 Debilitating Stages of Internalizing Your Impending Unemployment

You were feelin’ yourself in that yung second semester senior slump until you realized with graduation is imminent that you’ve made nothing out of yourself in your four years at UIUC. Let us guide you through the five brutal stages of internalizing that you’re going to be a fat, unemployed bitch as soon as you’ve left Champaign forever:

5.) Denial:
“Psshh. Daddy’ll totally get me a job at his firm. It’s easy to justify never having taken advantage of the resources on campus that could’ve furthered my career because I’m privileged and will surely have everything handed to me eventually. Oh wait… remember when Dad screamed at Mom over Winter Break about how he’d been laid off and was planning on filing for bankruptcy before the end of the fiscal year? Oops.”

4.) Anger:
“Damn it all! If it weren’t for the toxic masculinity made prevalent by Greek life or the way it breeds follower culture, I may have forgone spending 100K on tuition only to spend my postgrad life Netflix surfing in my parents’ basement. How am I supposed to find work with the only relevant experiences on my résumé being a carder at Joe’s and publicity chair of my middle-tier frat? I blame the system for forcing these coherent thoughts to flow through my puny brain!”

3.) Bargaining:
“Maybe if I do a victory lap, I can garner enough relevant work and course experience to get myself a job somewhere. The only problem is that’d entail having to dedicate time to something other than riding the rail at Legends. My GPA definitely isn’t high enough to get into any of the grad school programs here, but hey, fake it ‘til you make it, am I right? Of course, grad school at ISU is always an option, right? People with degrees from there always prosper… right?”

2.) Depression:
“This really sucks. I never thought that four years of binge drinking and poor life choices would catch up to me. Honestly, I deserve it. Unfortunately, Chancellor Jones hasn’t built a time machine yet, so there’s no way for me to go back in time and get started on the right track. The social stigma behind being unemployed after four years of intense spending is dragging me down intensely. I blame myself for everything.”

1.) Acceptance:
“You know what? It’s fine. Why did I think majoring in comparative world literature would get me a job anyway? Besides, all I ever did was refer to Sparknotes for every novel we read. I was kinda destined to fail from the beginning, and I did just that. At least it can be said that I succeeded at something; I succeeded at failing. I don’t have to be worried about being unemployed right after finishing my undergrad because there was no way I was ever going to get a job to begin with. Maybe I’ll fill out an application to PetSmart this summer and everything will be dandy.”

Pat yourself on the back for how easily you overcame the hollowing disillusionment about your glaring unemployment status. Once you consider that you were never going to live up to anything anyway, it all becomes easier to swallow.

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