5 Things that are Better in the ‘Burbs than at UIUC

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With a little over a month until school starts, U of I students are starting to get antsy. There are many reasons to look forward to returning to U of I, such as binge drinking, going to the bars, and more binge drinking. But there are also reasons to dread returning to campus and to cling to your suburban home for as long as possible. Here are the top things the Chicago suburbs do better than UIUC.

5.) Pizza:
Remember Antonio’s? As our fond memory of the restaurant slips away, so does any hope of a decent pizza place existing on campus. You might be thinking “Papa Johns” or “Dominos” or “that Pizza Hut next to Walgreens that always looks closed because the windows are tinted,” but that’s not real pizza. Real pizza, by definition, is Lou Malnati’s and maybe even Giordano’s. Yes, Papa Del’s would have counted when it was on Green Street, but now that it’s moved, it might as well be in the suburbs.

4.) Topography:
Both Champaign and Urbana are as flat as your high school girlfriend. You never realized just how goddamn flat Illinois was until you drove down to Champaign and could see 50 miles in each directions on a foggy day, which is a lot less cool than it sounds. In the burbs, there are at least little hills and tall buildings to trick you into thinking you’re not at sea level. Also, every time it rains in the suburbs it’s not a monsoon, unlike flatass Champaign.

3.) Construction and Garbage Trucks:
The C in UIUC should stand for “construction” because sweet BABY Jesus it never stops. At least in the suburbs they have the human decency to not have workers using power tools before dawn. In Champaign, instead of a crowing rooster, you awaken to the sound of grumbling hacksaws and beeping garbage trucks at 4 a.m. … and then 5 a.m. … and then 6 a.m. … until even the bags under your eyes have bags.

2.) Townies:
The townies in Chambana wear excessive camo and invite you to drink Everclear in the nearest condemned barn. The townies in the North Shore are named Mimi and Greg and they’ve trained their teacup Yorkshire Terrier not to take a whizz in the community garden. Isn’t that more appealing than Tanner from Urbana’s pitbull taking a massive shit in your apartment courtyard?

1.) Mascots:
You know it’s bad when not only every other Big Ten school, but even the Chicago suburb high schools have better mascots than you. This may be because UIUC’s official mascot is nonexistent and is threatening to be replaced by a measly ground squirrel. At this point, it’s less demeaning to root for the Lyons Township Lions or the Hinsdale Central Red Devils. Their teams suck less too. We’re pretty sure Lombard’s mascot is a Lilac, and even that’s  better than having no mascot.

Those were the reasons not to return to UIUC, but let’s face it: you would be bored out of your mind hanging around the ‘burbs under the watching eyes of your parents. Even with your Chicago-style pizza and friendly townies, you’ll find Red Lion and Cracked calling you back to campus once again.

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