One of the best parts of coming to UIUC is the opportunity to escape after your sentence here. But what happens if you truly fall in love with this little town and want to stay in it forever? Here are five jobs in Champaign you should apply for when you’re too scared and underqualified to leave.
5.) ATMS 120 Professor:
Being a professor would allow you to stay on campus forever, but being an ATMS 120 professor would mean that you also get to recycle quizzes and exams from the past ten years over and over again each semester. All you really have to do is stand in front of a class full of kids who are only taking your class for credit and pretend to know what you’re talking about about the weather.
4.) Champaign-Urbana Health Inspector:
If you want real job security, look no further than the CU Health Department. Not only are there enough half-assedly run businesses to slap “biohazard” stickers on, but there’s also no way you’d ever be bored. Moral of the story, humans are disgusting and there’s no way every business around these parts are actually up to health code.
3.) CUMTD Bus Driver:
If your life goals include screwing people over and making people nauseous with your driving skills, then boy do we have the job for you. Being a CUMTD bus driver not only allows you a “competitive” compensation and a job where you get to sit on your ass all day, but it also offers you an opportunity to tell people you work at “Cum titty.”
2.) University of Illinois Police Officer:
Did you get bullied in high school? Do you have small-man syndrome? Do you like tackling 100-pound freshman girls onto the ground and then issuing them hefty drinking tickets? If you said “yes” to any of these questions, you might be a good fit as a University of Illinois campus police officer. This job has all the perks. You get to work nights and rob college students of their parents’ money in the form of hefty fines, you get to go into campus bars “undercover” and pretend like you aren’t there to relive your college days, etc. This job really has it all.
1.) Illini Football and Basketball Players’ Personal Footstool:
What’s better than being the bitch of two of the worst sports teams in the Big Ten? This position requires that you follow a pack of Illini “athletes” around all day as they bitch and complain about how “that waitress was a bitch for forgetting my six sides of ranch” and “Lovie didn’t let me start in the second home game of the season and my delicate ego is still hurt.” Basically, let them berate you and boss you around and you’re guaranteed a paycheck.
If none of these positions tickle your fancy, maybe you’re not truly ready for the full on townie life. Maybe you should just move back to Naperville and make your parents’ basement basketball court into a bedroom for yourself. You poor, unemployed thing.
WATCH: We hit the streets of Chicago’s St. Patty’s Day Parade to see how woke people were.