Welp, you’re stranded in Naperville for the summer without an internship or any top-house FWBs, but at least you have a booty call or six lined up in the suburbs! Don’t lie to us; here are six old flames you’ve probably already DMed since you’ve been home.
6.) The one who got away went to prom with Rebecca instead:
Your world was set ablaze senior year when the dude you had a thing for ended up going with that conniving thot Rebecca. You didn’t exchange many words before or after the ordeal, but you’re randomly still mutuals on Twitter three years after graduation. So, gracing his inbox is completely justifiable. This summer’s your only shot to cement the deal like you could’ve before freakin’ Rebecca cockblocked you.
5.) Your freshman year boyfriend who later came out as gay:
You thought it too good to be true when you cuffed the only freshman boy who didn’t want sex. Well, it turns out he did; just not with you or any other female. Five years later, his Instagram is awash with his bulging six-pack and a hot boyfriend, but did that stop you from drunkenly beaming into his DMs asking for a threeway? I think we all know the answer to this one.
4.) Your last-minute turnabout date from sophomore year:
You asked the last available dude you knew to dry hump you in the high school gymnasium for three straight hours, but his mystifying hip gyrations still mosey into your dreams from time to time before you wake up with damp bed sheets. That’s why you’ve probably already hit his line to bump uglies in the back parking lot of your high school. We would too, sis.
3.) Your second-semester desk partner from Spanish 3:
He was an average-looking white boy at best, but something about him resonated with you. Maybe it was the Cubs memorabilia he wore day after day, or his futile attempts at speaking Spanish with an authentic accent. Either way, you lurked through the ‘Gram and found out he’s still at College of DuPage. You best hit him with that “u up?” text at 3:47 a.m. so he can lamerte el culo, mami.
2.) Your freshman year gym leader:
Freshman year gym was characterized by awkwardness, BO, and the mile run. So, why did it get you so hot and bothered? Those spastic hormones convinced you that your gym leader, with his malnutrition six-pack and Bieber cut, was watching you the entire year. Although you’re college-aged now and only horny after too much Cuervo, here’s your chance to make Senpai notice you once and for all.
1.) The science teacher you interned for:
Lana Del Rey’s wig went flying when she caught wind of your intense daddy issues. His maturity, masculinity, and marital status had Mr. Adcock permeating your wet, adolescent dreams. Since you aren’t student-teaching his Earth Science class anymore, and he’s in the middle of a devastating divorce, you should reach out and give that man the naughty outlet he needs!
Scraping through every man who’s interested you in your hometown must’ve proven exhausting, but fret not. If you’re out of prospective dick appointments now, sift through some old yearbooks! They don’t have to be yours.