There’s a variety of ways to find a roommate for your freshman year of college, but the most popular is a paragraph about yourself accompanied by 8-10 headshots. These introductory paragraphs say things like “I want to beat the freshman 15!” and “I like to party but studying comes first.” We get it, Amber. Here are a few more realistic ways to introduce yourself to 5,000 of your closest classmates.
6.) “Hi! My name is Holly. At first, I’m going to be very nice to you and we’ll even go out for the first few nights…that is, until I meet cooler friends. Once I find someone better to hang out with, I’ll drop you like a bad habit and passive-aggressively turn up my music every time you walk into the room. Can’t wait to be friendsies!”
5.) “What’s up? I’m Seth. I’m a computer engineer and I’m finally going to lose my virginity this year. On your futon. With the girl from down the hall. She’ll be coming over a lot now, by the way, but I’ll probably always remember to put a sock on the door before going to Pound Town. Probably. It’s going to be a great freshman year, buddy!”
4.) “Hey, I’m Erica. It’s kind of amazing that I’ve gone almost 19 years without properly knowing how showers and deodorants work. Forget about bringing people back to the room to hang out, because I’m always here watching soap operas with the volume up. Have fun taking the garbage out! It’s almost as if my parents taught me no cleaning skills whatsoever.”
3.) “Sup, bro? I’m Evan. I can sell you any kinds of drugs you can imagine. Pay no mind to the scary people always coming up to buy from me. I’m scamming a few of them into buying straight baking powder from me. Isn’t that hilarious? When the RA comes to check the room, I’m probably going to shove half of my stash in your closet but it’s cool because I’ll give you a discount on some Grade-A kush.”
2.) “OMG HI! I’m Jessica and I love my sorority and my big. I’m actually a legacy at Gamma Gamma Nu and I can’t wait to tell you all about my sisters and how much they mean to me. Have you heard our sorority chant? Well, you’re going to learn it pretty quickly. We’re going to be the best of friends, I love having average girls around to make me look better. Just don’t post any photos of me in my letters with you, I wouldn’t want people to think I’m an *invisible ink* geed. Can you buy one of my philanthropy tickets from me?”
1.) “Hello, my name is Nora. I don’t have a lot of time for partying because I’ll be working out at the ARC seven days a week and preparing to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company by the time I’m 30. I’m better and more put together than you in every conceivable way and I will totally give you the side eye every time you’re hungover all day. I’m not really here to make friends and I hope you make it past sophomore year.”
Don’t forget to include your ACT score and all the extracurricular activities you were in during high school. Can’t wait to see everyone at convocation! Who’s bringing the flask?