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6 Ways To Make Your Little’s Birthday Bar Crawl All About Yourself

How dare your sorority sisters plan an entire birthday bar crawl for your little? It doesn’t matter one was thrown for you in February; you want all eyes on you tonight. Fortunately, these six devious distraction methods will turn your little’s big night into your very own:

6.) Shame everyone for forgetting your “half birthday”:
Your half birthday technically falls on summer break, but your sisters didn’t even know it wasn’t tonight! Those barnacle heads planned an entire bar crawl for your little’s birthday and completely glossed over yours. Since it slipped everyone’s mind, guilt them harder than you would someone who thinks Cracked was justified in replacing Antonio’s. Before long, your night is the only one being celebrated. Your little who?

5.) Disappear without notice:
Fake like you’re headed to the beer garden at Lion for a smoke. Then, hop the fence and hide out in the construction area on Third and Green. Your bar crawl squad will surely lament over your disappearance. Make sure to answer those hellacious calls and texts only once your little’s time in the limelight has about expired.

4.) Start crying about the dude who dumped you three months ago:
Seeing that fuckboy at Thursday Night Bros week after week has its benefits. Flaunt your finest moves, and then do a bold 180. Boom, you spot the man who tore your heart out for not pledging allegiance to Lovie Smith. Then, run off in hysterics. Your friends are sure to chase you down and console you, leaving your little behind in the dust.

3.) Drink until you begin projectile vomiting:
UV Blue and Bailey’s is undeniably the most ambitious UIUC crossover since computer science and crop sciences. If those hellish mixes alone don’t get your stomach churning, excuse yourself to the back area at KAM’s and spin around in circles until you feel bad life choices and stomach acid rise to the surface. Your sisters won’t know what hit them once you make your way back to the stage – pun intended.

 

2.) Confess to the murder of one of the cooks:
You know you got Alice fired last week after she accidentally sneezed in your chili, but the others are left wondering what became of her. Feign a thicc panic attack just before you head out to the bars. Here’s where you confess to Alice’s murder and lead them to the body, which, of course, is simply decomposing chicken parts doused in fake blood. The rest of night’ll be spent figuring out how to hide the “murder” from campus police.

1.) The “Carrie” option:
It’s proven that sorority girls are telekinetic, though their sixth sense typically only goes towards influencing poor saps to donate to the philanthropic funds they’re supporting. The end of Stephen King’s Carrie involves the titular character massacring a gymnasium full of people using telekinesis. Similarly, you can cause the gruesome death of everyone at Cly’s once they stop paying attention to you. It’s what she deserves!

If your little is still the center of attention after you put these devilish ploys into play, the next course of action is to drop your sorority. An environment that won’t feed your attention-seeking ways is no place for you.

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Indiana — $100 bounty!
SUNY Oswego — $100 bounty!

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