Temperatures are dropping in the Champaign-Urbana area, and the buses are more crammed than ever. We’re talking “Metra before Chance the Rapper headlined Lollapalooza 2017” crammed. You may start to worry, thinking, “But what if I’m unable to squeeze onto the bus? How else will I feel like I’m in the trash compactor scene from Star Wars?” Have no fear. Here are top seven places to feel like a sardine in a can without being on the 22 South.
7.) The Line at The Red Lion:
Here’s a line from Hamlet: “Lord, we know who we are, but not what we may be.” So maybe that guy in front of you who threw up on his semiformal date will be the next POTUS. But for now, he is just a very drunk undergrad. If the line is really bothering you, you’re not drunk enough to enjoy TRL anyway.
The Computer-Based Testing Facility is located in the musty hellhole that is the Grainger basement. Forget The Canopy Club– this is where the mosh pits happen. Expect to be elbowed at least once as future engineers jostle their way to the front of the entrance to get that sweet, sweet extra thirty seconds to work on their quizzes. No one here acts like civil human beings.
5.) 2 a.m. at the Green Street McDonald’s:
Despite the removal of the McPick 2 for $3 and the 15 cents they charge for a cup of water, McDonald’s is still thriving. Unfortunately, this McDonald’s brings out the worst in everyone, and many hilarious fights occur in the ordering line. If you’re feeling packed-in now, just wait until the McRib is back.
4.) Your Advising Office:
Considering changing your major for the fifth time? Talk to your advisor. Freaking about what you’re going to do with that communications degree? Talk to your advisor. Crippling social anxiety? Talk to your advisor. But be prepared to take a number and wait until sundown.
3.) Orange Krush Section:
I-L-L! We have an above average basketball team! For most colleges with over 40,000 students, a 7-and-4 record wouldn’t be very impressive. But then again, most colleges with over 40,000 students don’t have a football team that goes 0-and-9 in conference. Join the Orange Krush section and prepare to be krushed by the super fans around you. I-N-I!
2.) The UGL During Finals:
The UGL has it all: open spaces, a gorgeous courtyard, an extensive book collection, and most importantly, students wired out on Adderall. On a more serious note, don’t expect to find a table if you haven’t placed a reservation two weeks in advance.
1.) Bromley Elevator:
Nine times out of ten you will see that one girl you hooked up with during Rush. Yes, she does recognize you. No, she isn’t going to say “hi” to you. Yes, she is texting her friends about you. No, don’t try to convince yourself otherwise: you ARE being made fun of.
If this doesn’t satisfy your primal urge for companionship, consider investing in a weighted blanket. Or just see a therapist. We pay for healthcare coverage in our tuitions anyway, so might as well use it.
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