Cuffing season: a time of low expectations and even lower realities. There’s a reason that you and your cuffee have an expiration date. So, to save you the heartbreak, here are some other things you can hit up for the sole purpose of wasting your time this winter.
7.) Your parents:
What better way to get in touch with your emotions than going back to your roots? Just shoot them a text or a phone call, and they’re putty in your hands. Hell, they might even send a few bucks your way when they hear about your eating habits.
6.) Your last remaining shred of self-esteem:
Ha ha ha. No, seriously, hold on to your dignity like your life depends on it. Your romantic life, that is. Stay away from touching your settings on Tinder, your preferred age is high enough. Trust us.
5.) A new hairdo:
Bangs could be your look, who knows? That being said, if it takes a turn for the worst, hold on tight to your image. Interrupt anyone who tries to tell you that you made a bad decision. If people are stunned by your new look, say, “I know. I’m like a Zooey Deschanel look-alike. No photography please.” Be sure to laugh incredibly loud. Works best in a quiet room or enclosed space.
4.) Your ex-boyfriend’s t-shirt:
Oh, god. Here come the tears. You keep it shoved in the very back of your closet for dark times like these. It smells just like him, and he didn’t even smell that good. In fact, it’s kind of musty from never washing it. This is gross. You put back where you found it and try to forget about it.
3.) A squirrel you found on the quad:
He came up to you so you gave him a little bit of your Cracked sandwich. Is that so wrong? You know you’re not supposed to feed them, but you really need some support right now. Ignore the fact that it’s getting menacingly close to your leg. Don’t think about what’s going to happen when you run out of sandwich.
2.) Your GPA:
School is what you came here for, right? Pour all of your sexual energy into midterm season. Who needs the loving touch of another human being when there’s the warm feeling of freshly-printed paper? Boost your GPA to the moon. If you have to die alone, at least you’ll die rich.
1.) The bottle of wine next to your bed:
Hello darkness my old friend. You’ll probably beg your roommate to watch a Netflix movie with you, and get too drunk on wine. Next thing you know you’ll be sobbing openly into her lap because the two quirky main characters didn’t get together in the end. Yes, you’re watching 500 Days of Summer. Classic.
Despite all these great options to choose from, you’ll most likely go straight back to Tinder. You need a barn dance date, and these alternatives just aren’t going to cut it. So go ahead, bump up the settings on Tinder, download some other weird dating app and give love a shot. If nothing else, at least you’re not cuffing a fucking squirrel.
Oh Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame: