The holidays are upon us and, as Illini, we must be the charitable people we are by helping out those in need this December. Help out our ISU friends a little this Christmas. Here’s The Black Sheep’s guide on what UIUC students should get the underprivileged.
7.) A New Law:
If you have rich parents, have mommy and daddy drop a few G’s on a fancy lawyer to try and change that weird law in Normal, where you have to be 21 to enter a bar. Hopefully if they get a bar scene as lit as ours, they won’t feel the need to bus over to our campus every Monday. Ideally, it would be nice for their bars to have the same entrance age as us, but at this point, we’ll settle for a bar age of 20.
6.) A Job:
As the ~better~ state school in Illinois, we’re recruiters’ top choice when it comes to employment. When you graduate and become CEO or principal or head of whatever field you enter, be humble and offer your dear Illinois State friend a position at your institution of business. It’s a long run idea, but still a nice way to say “hey, you guys aren’t that bad.”
5.) A Blue Guy:
While you wait for your wealthy parents to whip up the cash to open up a brewery in BloNo, you kind of have to suck it up on this one. When the ISU kids take their party bus over to Champaign, get’em a few drinks at the home of the Drinking Illini; KAM’s. The more drinks they have, the quicker they’ll be back on their bus with their tails between their legs because they couldn’t handle a weekday night on our campus.
4.) A Transfer Application:
Everyone’s college journey is different. Sometimes they need a little… guidance. This holiday season, get your less fortunate friends the gift the keeps on giving: an application to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. It’s never too late to switch schools and get your degree from good ol’ UIUC!
3.) A Gift Card:
Not just any gift card. Get your ISU buddies something they can only experience in Chambana. Get them an Antonio’s gift card. After the tragic loss of Second Story Pizza, Antonio’s has grown from not just a delicious dinner option, but into a go-to drunken munchies delectable as well. Everyone deserves to taste a slice of macaroni and cheese pizza at least once in their life.
2.) An Exchange:
If they’re going to be coming to our school anyway, invest in this opportunity. Greek life at ISU is slowly dwindling as their single digit number of frats is embarrassing compared to our thirty-some number of fraternities in our school’s IFC. Since they have a limited number of options there, be their option here and show them what Greek life is really supposed to be: dollar wells at Cly’s.
1.) Block I Tickets:
A way to really scare away ISU students from our campus would be to bring them to a football game. Being in the Big Ten seems like it’s all that, but one game in Memorial Stadium will show these kids all that glitters ain’t gold. This should give them a reality check and show them that their above-average team in their below-average conference is more entertaining than the watching the “L”-ini suck balls.
So, what are you waiting for? Show your ISU friends how thankful we are for them and get them one (or more) of these gifts to get them off our campus and back to Normal. Happy holidays Redbirds.