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7 Things Illini Can Do To Get Sent Back To School

As we drift through the doldrums of summer, many of us wonder why we were so excited to come home in the first place. Returning to Champaign is the obvious solution to suburban boredom, so here are a few ways to make your parents send you packing.


7.) Keep a Bottle of Vodka in Plain Sight Next to Your Bed:

One of the most important lessons students learn from their drunk shenanigans at U of I is that the best detox is retox. When you wake up hungover for your internship, freshen up with some lukewarm pulls of Smirnoff without leaving the comfort of your own bed! Your parents will kick you out, and if they don’t send you to rehab, you’ll be in the clear to return to U of I.


6.) Play Atrocious Dance Remixes of Their Favorite Songs:

Nothing screams “UIUC bar experience” (we’re looking at you, Red Lion DJs) like bad dance music blaring at dangerous volumes. There is sure to be a perfect dance remix somewhere in the depths of SoundCloud, waiting to be streamed to the delight of its creator and the dismay of your parents.


5.) Wear Your Finest Block Attire to Sunday Brunch With Grandma:

“Sunday best” be damned! If it’s a weekend morning and there’s alcohol to be consumed, you better believe a jersey will be involved. Ice out your virgin mimosas while explaining the concept of “bar pull” to your grandma and your parents will surely reconsider having you around for the summer.


4.) Tell Your Dad He Can’t Control You:

Upon transitioning into college, fiery teen angst subsides, giving way to creeping, slow-burning 20s angst. Reignite the fires of your teenage rebellion by reminding your parents that they don’t control you. List the degenerate antics you indulged in while out of their jurisdiction—like your ticket for that drunken piss on the Alma Mater, or the time you puked on your Stats TA.


3.) Let the Laundry Pile Up:

Moms hate messy rooms—it’s in their blood. Let your laundry fester on your bedroom floor long enough and your mom will go berserk and evict you from your childhood room. Just don’t expect her to do a courtesy round of your laundry before leaving.


2.) Use the Beloved Family Dog to Spit Game

Dogs and their universal attractiveness can be exploited for sleazy purposes, like picking up girls on the Quad. Put on your most flattering Hawaiian shirt, post up at the local dog park, and wait for attractive people to flock to your adorable pooch. Be sure to make up a sob story about how you rescued the dog from a puppy mill to seal the deal. When your parents find out you’re using Rex for unwholesome purposes, they’ll be sure to send your crooked ass packing.


1.) Break the Expensive Dinner Table (by Dancing on it)

Dancing on tables is good, trashy fun—and another essential part of the UIUC Bar Experience™. Liven up your family dinner by climbing onto the table and giving your parents a taste of your least conservative moves. This method is especially effective if you live in the town from Footloose.

It’ll break your parents hearts to hear you aren’t thrilled to be home with them for the summer, so break their spirits instead by following these rebellious steps and you’ll be back chugging Blue Guys in no time.


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