7 Ways To Piss Off Any UIUC Student

author-pic at University of Illinois  

You know what really grinds U of I students’ gears? Since our parents aren’t here to remind us that “children are starving in Africa, Becky,” a whole lot of trivial things. Whether you’re a naïve freshman or a disgruntled senior who’s one dropped i>Clicker away from burning Foellinger to the ground, here are 7 ways someone could shit on your day. Angry reacts only.

7.) Being Woken Up By Garbage Trucks:

Extremely loud and incredibly close, Champaign garbage trucks at 4 or 5 a.m. on any given night are enough to fill any sleep-deprived U of I student with rage. With mere hours left between you and your 8 a.m., a veritable orgy of smashing bottles and deafening beeping is guaranteed to jolt you awake.

6.) Being The Only One Who Knows How To Ride The CUMTD:

Each Cum Titty bus is a delicate ecosystem, and any student who misses social cues will tip the scale. That girl who has space to move down but doesn’t and the frat bro who’s stepping on your foot with the strength of a Clydesdale prove that we need a new plague.

5.) Being Told To “Wait!” To Cross Sixth Street:

It’s fun to press the crosswalk button a million times in a row to create a “wait” remix, but when the machine skips on its own, it’s infuriating. Nothing quite furrows the brow of an Illini student like being told to “Wait! Wait! Wait!” when they’re 20 minutes late to class.

4.) Walking Past KAM’s And Its Smelly Smell:

Even if you can’t remember anything from a night at KAM’s, you’ll still have flashbacks to the stench, so passing KAM’s on your way to and from classes isn’t a pretty picture. As if you’re Calc 3 midterm didn’t make you dry heave enough, KAM’s lethal smell covers more square footage than Three Mile Island.

3.) Getting Harassed By Brother Jed:

Spring has sprung, and that means its time for religious radical Brother Jed to reemerge from hibernation and damn everyone to hell. As he shames everyone from women and homosexuals to squirrels humping on the quad, Illini students prepare to use his cheap Bibles as weapons.

2.) Drowning In A Sea Of Grinding Couples At Red Lion:

Although it may take you on a trip down memory lane to your prom date rubbing his unimpressive chubby against you, unwanted group sex at Red Lion is enough to boil any Illini’s blood. If the $10 cover didn’t already have you ready to slap a hoe, being sloppily grinded on until you spill your drink sure will.

1.) Being Forced To Make Small Talk In Lecture:

People who try to make friends in class: just where in the HELL do you get off?! This isn’t high school, and a groggy student with headphones in at their lecture of 500 students isn’t looking for a buddy. Nothing makes an Illinois student want to go full WWE Wrestlemania on you in the middle of Lincoln Hall quite like asking them what their major is.

 

If you had an epiphany while reading this list that you’re a student who angers those around you, please do everyone a favor and either shape up or transfer to ISU so you can piss them off instead of us.