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7 Ways to Use Your Mistletoe at UIUC


Mistletoe is an ancient plant that gave guys consent to kiss a fine lady with two working lips. UIUC students don’t need a weed with red ribbon to make out in public, so we found a few more innovative ways to use mistletoe.


7.) Pick Your Nose:



Allergies are a thing in the land of corn and nature. You need a little sweet relief sometimes, so pick up the mistletoe and you won’t be disappointed. It’s really disgusting for people above the age of 3 to stick their fingers in a nostril to dig for gold, but using a stick is completely ok, just don’t go too deep.


6.) Mix Drinks:



No one has money for a fancy drink mixer or even a spoon, the leaves on the mistletoe will add a little spice alongside the Burnett’s that all the broke college kids are drinking. Icing out a drink is a good way to mix it too, but sometimes you have to act civilized. This is something even grandma might try.


5.) Clean the KAM’S Bathroom:


Everyone knows about the terror that lies within the paneled walls of KAM’s, so using mistletoe is the best way to clean it up! Girls all over the bathroom appreciate the pine scent and lack of vomit on the seat. If you’re a baddie you might even venture to use it as toilet paper, the mistletoe is probably absorbent enough the job done. It’s pretty ratchet, but so is everyone for using that bathroom.


4.) Get a Better Reach on Things:



Sometimes you want to catch the attention of a sexy young girl, but you don’t want to actually invade her space. Use the mistletoe in the sneakiest of ways. Sure, it was supposed to be used for kissing, but that’s 7th grade shit. A little tickle with the mistletoe and she’ll be calling you daddy for the rest of the night. That smirk wouldn’t be on her face without a touch of the holidays.  


3.) Camouflage Yourself:


There are so many reasons to hide on this campus, and there are plenty of places to do so, but this tiny leaf is undeniably the best thing to hide behind. Since some people still think mistletoe is used to coerce lip locking, it’s expected that anyone who uses it to camouflage themselves may experience the conception of a future Illini. Still classier than ISU.


2.) Kiss Your GPA Goodbye:


Second semester is around the corner and so are the waterworks. The freshman that had to transfer because they couldn’t keep up with their studies, is now laughing at every asshole with no internship, drinking tickets and a soon to be 2.0 GPA. The mistletoe provides a reason to kiss any hope in life goodbye. Hopefully, The Silver Bullet has a few open poles, people say Lovie is a generous tipper.


1.) Smoke It in a Frat’s House Bong:


An elf once said something like “the best way to spread Christmas cheer is smoking the loud for all to hear,” or something along those lines. Smoking mistletoe is just a way to show your next level dedication this “kushmas season.” To get the full UIUC effect, a frat’s house bong must be used. Any place the saliva of brotherhood lingers is somewhere Illini need to be. As the newest gateway drug of the holidays, light it up with your fam and get jollier than the pledge who dressed as Santa for their house Christmas party.


There should be no hanging mistletoe on the UIUC campus this holiday season. Students should rip them all down and do some of this constructive, dank shit with the leaves of love.


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