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A Sober Review of UIUC Drunk Food


A recent article in The Daily Illini ranked the top five best places to get drunk food on Unofficial when you’re “studying and drinking apple juice.” The Black Sheep decided to put this list to the test…but we got too drunk on “apple juice” on Unofficial and forgot what we even ate. Instead, we decided to test the DI’s recommendations SOBER to see what our taste buds have been missing all this time.


5.) McDonald’s:




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Ah, yes, Green Street McDonald’s. Such memories of stuffing our faces with chicken nuggets while we drunk dial our FWB. The suggested McGriddle and hash brown sounded like a grand slam, so we decided to try that out. The texture of the cheese was subpar and the English muffins were burnt, leaving the taste of the McGriddle less than desired. However, what the sandwich lacked in taste the restaurant made up for in ambiance. The bright fluorescent lights and stumbling of drunk people gave it a lively and playful atmosphere, and the costumers who brought their own beer in were simply delightful. 7/10


4.) Cracked:




This humble little food truck is truly the semblance of the American dream: food preparation in a mobile form. While it’s usually parked across the street from Joe’s next to the puke-filled bushes of the frat across the street during the night, it finds residence all the way in Urbana by raves and shit Krannert during the daytime hours. We took the 22S all the way there to test out their Morning Bender. While we thoroughly enjoyed the best hangover cure known to man, we didn’t appreciate the girl in dreads telling us to be vegan. 8/10


3.) Wingin Out:




Since we were tired from being “enthralled with our studies” from the night before—seriously, DI? You can make racial slurs about immigrants but you can’t say “drunk?”—we decided to get these bad boys delivered, and these babies were nothing short of fantastic. Their barbecue sauce had notes of hickory and brown sugar, and the chicken was crispy but tender. 9/10


2.) Antonio’s:




We’re gonna be honest, we thought Antonio’s was closed so we skipped it and went into Brother’s for a LIT pitcher. Best decision we ever made. 8/10


1.) Fat Sandwich:




The Mecca. The holy ground of drunk and high food. We have made it to the promised land. As we ingested a Fat MILF, we felt our arteries clogging with fat from this sandwich, but it was totally worth it. The seedy-looking guy behind the counter, the smell of stale frying oil, and the hordes of fellow crossfaded students truly made for a rounded experience inside this establishment. Overall, we give Fat Sandwich a 10/10.


The next time you’re sober or DRUNK because you’ve been DRINKING ALCOHOL, swing by any one of these places. Your tummy will thank you, and your head will thank you in the morning.

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