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How to Abandon Your Lame Father at Illinois Dads Weekend

Another Dads Weekend is right around the corner, which means another year of wishing it was Moms Weekend instead. While there are some dads live for the frat life, drinking and partying, many never accepted the fact that their kid is in college, and don’t know how to have real fun. Here are tips on how to abandon your goober father at Dads Weekend.

 

5.) Tell Him You Don’t Drink:

Why are your friends bringing their dads to the bars when they’re not 21 yet? Underage drinking is VERY illegal, which is why you don’t participate in such activities, and why you can’t take your dad out. In reality, it won’t that bad spending one weekend sober. Do this for your reputation, it’ll all be okay in the end.

 

4.) Take Him to Lion:

As soon as his foot lands in a puddle of an unknown liquid, your dad will want to get the hell out of there. He’ll definitely regret coming to Champaign this weekend, and he might even regret having children. Whatever happens, he’ll never want to come back, and that is the ultimate goal. 

3.) Pretend That Dads Weekend is Cancelled:

It’s never too late to make the call telling your lame dad that Chancellor Robert J. Jones has officially cancelled Dads Weekend. That morning he sent another lengthy email, and for the first time you decided to read it, and it looks like Dads Weekend going to be turned in to another Moms Weekend! So weird! Turn around dad, the moms are way more fun.

 

2.) Ditch Him at The Football Game:

Your dad is kind of a dweeb if he still supports the Illini football team, and enjoys staying for the entirety of the game. This step is easy; all you have to do is sneak away while he’s mesmerized by The Marching Illini and catch a bus to Lion. If you drink fast enough, you’ll be back in time to walk out of the stadium with your dad, and all the other disappointed fans.

 

1.) Emancipate:

Maybe he brought up a weird childhood story, or was being obnoxious and forced you to sit in Block I so he can flip the cards at halftime at the football game. Whatever it was, this is the last straw. He’s embarrassed you enough throughout your 20 years on this Earth. It’s about time to call up the cheapest lawyer, and get the papers signed for this to happen. You just can’t handle the humiliation of another Dads Weekend. When people ask where your dad is, you can answer easily and say “I don’t have one anymore.”

 

Having an awkward dad is something you have to deal with your whole life. But, sometimes his Polo and white New Balances can really kill your swag, and that’s not okay when you’re trying to keep your street-cred high. This Dads Weekend, use these tips to keep your reputation high, and your embarrassment low.

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