With the firing of head men’s basketball coach John Groce last Saturday and the rumor that Josh Whitman is willing to spend some big money on the next head coach, there’s a big opportunity for someone out there to revitalize the Illinois program. In idiotic desperation, the university put out a real job posting for the position, so we decided to apply for the head coach role ourselves and we truly 100% did this. We’re confident we can get the Illini back into the NCAA tournament and we wouldn’t mind a $21 million contract either. Here’s an exclusive look at our application for the role:
Filling Out Basic Information:
The first step in any application is filling out your name. To show that we meant business and that we were actually experienced, we put our first name as “Coach.” Athletic Director Josh Whitman would be insane to not interview someone named, literally, “Coach.” Our parents knew our fate of managing a subpar Big Ten team the day we were born.
Choosing Our References:
This was, by far, the most difficult part of the application because you had to choose your three biggest supporters that would be able to speak highly of you for the position, so you need to choose wisely. We thought hard and decided that a homeless John Groce, our mother, and pledge master Tim Beckman would be the best options for this. Groce knows how the job works and how to do it badly, our mother can speak of how good we are at doing chores, and Beckman would be there to claim how “frat” we are and how we are totally not pussies.
Referencing The Referral Source:
Employers are always curious about how you found about the job position. We don’t live under a rock and have read the news about the vacancy, but we actually found out about the job a different way. There’s actually a “Help Wanted” sign hanging on State Farm Center currently and we were lucky enough to walk past the arena to see the opportunity before the news broke. Nothing like an old-fashioned job posting!
The Athletic Department is going to be most concerned with our coaching experience on the resume we attach to the application. We don’t have any coaching experience, but what we lack in experience we make up in confidence. This is why we named our resume, “Next Head Coach’s Resume.” It’s always good to show them what they’re getting.
After double checking our impressive application, we pressed the submit button and it went off into cyberspace.
The ball is now in Whitman and the Athletic Department’s court to get back to us. We’ll be sure to follow up!
WATCH: For some, spring break is about partying on the beach. For others, it’s about wallowing in despair: