You’ve just come back from Barcelona or whatever country had enough Anglo-Saxons for your comfort. It “changed your life,” and was an experience you’ll never forget except for that little sexual scare you had with one of the locals. Unfortunately, it seems that not every Illini is dying to hear about your flatmates or how you got drunk every night even though there’s weird white foaming oozing out your mouth just thinking about that old ass fountain you threw that coin in. Here are helpful tips to suppress any need to tell your friends about your study abroad trip, Brittany.
5.) Replace “study abroad” with “mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell” in your texts:
Your friend is texting you about their parents divorce and all of sudden you feel the urge that their broken home reminded you of a statue you saw in Paris. To prevent this awful analogy and segue from happening, replace the phrase “study abroad” to “mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell”in your phone settings so that will always be texted when you slip up. Your friend can’t get mad at you for dropping some knowledge.
4.) Only talk to your friends at Red Lion so they won’t hear you:
The best conversations are had with good friends and good company. Red Lion is not that place to do so as it’s a center of debauchery and all kinds of fluids. The booming sounds of indistinguishable, ear deafening music is the perfect place to not have any good and fulfilling conversation, which means you can blabber on about study abroad all you want because they can comfortably just nod along and say “that’s lit” to whatever life-changing experience you’re talking about. Since they’re totally listening, why don’t you tell them about the time you had sex in their bed when they were at the UGL.
3.) Bite down on a leather belt like you’re getting a limb amputated:
Not talking about how Dublin has your heart can be difficult. If you have a belt though, whenever you feel the urge to bring study abroad up, bite down on it like you’re a Civil War soldier getting your foot amputated. On that note, amputation can be a nice distracting activity from bringing up Madrid too.
2.) Reluctantly ask friends how their semester was:
It’s clear that your friends who spent their semester back at UIUC just sat alone in their rooms waiting for your majestic return “stateside,” so why even bother asking them their past five months were? Ask them how their past semester was and be distracted by hours of the same story of how they got drunk at Lion and how Chris has been such a dick this semester.
1.) Go back and stay there:
Your friends won’t be annoyed with you if you go back and just stay abroad and keep Instagramming your fun times of you standing next to statues of racist people from centuries ago. It might be best if you don’t come back from Barcelona, Sarah. Red Lion could do without one or two sorority girls anyway and your friends will still instantly gratify you on social media.
So now that you’re back from study abroad and want to tell the world, don’t. Fix that foaming situation and start going back to doing your normal Sunday brunch Boomerangs.
Hey! Listen to our podcast, dummy!