Time is running out on campus and everyone is rushing to get their summer bod oiled up, tan and sexy. Even though UIUC has two fairly nice workout facilities, there’s still a plan that needed to be made. This everyday man’s guide is simple, yet result-oriented. If Kanye West can have one, why can’t Illini?
Ice Out Your Pre-Workout:
There’s no way to start a workout without an unnatural source of energy. Heading to KAM’s for a Blue Guy is less of an option and more of a necessity (until it comes out in cans). Unfortunately, in order to assert your dominance in this workout plan you also have to ice the drink out. If you sip on the drink you’re simply wasting its magical powers.
Stretching in the privacy of your own home is overrated and more embarrassing. Finding the most public place on campus like the Quad, is essential to reach your personal record for how much you can stretch your body. No one pays attention to your high school varsity letters, so this is the recognition you need.
Run The Stairs of Foellinger:
It’s time to step up and show people who the real Rocky on campus is. The handrail is for baby bitches, so assert yourself in the middle of the staircase while you huff and puff and want to vomit all the way down. If you do this it around sunset it really adds to the aesthetic and makes for a good #fitness Instagram post.
Lift Some Library Books in the UGL:
Books are obsolete, yet UIUC has about 30 libraries filled of them. In order to use up all the pointless resources on campus, take the biggest books you can find and go to a room that isn’t filled with geeds who study in places other than the UGL. Once in a safe space, get a nice arm workout in.
Bench On The Bench:
This step really requires little physical activity, but it’s undeniable that you’re benching. It’s really just for personal morale and bro points when you’re at the ARC pool. No one has to know you’re lying when you saying, “Yeah, bro. I bench 7 days a week for at least 3 hours.”
Race The CUMTD Bus to the Bus Stop:
Some people do this every day, but that’s due to stupidity. This needs to be planned. Position yourself somewhere before the CUMTD bus stop that is an appropriate distance and relive your dreams of being a state qualifier for track and field. We personally fail every time, which is a great incentive to keep trying.
Exhaustion hits and you’re ready to get out of the sweaty clothes you’ve been traveling the entire campus in for who knows how long. You’re too gross to go home to shower, so Urbana’s fountain is a great option for a rinse. None of those hippies in Urbana will care about public nudity anyway, just keep an eye out for the cops.
After this workout, you can expect results just in time for school to be over. Until then, keep doing the same things you do to pause any progress you might make, it’s just more fun that way.