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Booze Review: Burnetts Sour Apple Vodka

For those of you going on your second, third, fourth, or fifth years of college… save your breath. We know that reviewing anything sporting the “Burnett’s” seal of disapproval is like a communications major’s course load; it’s way too embarrassingly easy. But, in the spirit of the hundreds of freshmen on campus who will start making the biggest mistakes of their lives during Syllabus Week, we figured we’d cover the vodka that will likely be the cause of said mistakes. Let this review go on record as forever synonymous with the response: “Don’t say we didn’t warn you.”

 

Grade: F+

 

Smells Like: If anyone at The Black Sheep knew what highly acidic and volatile chemicals smelt like, we’d probably go with that. So, a 50s b-movie science experiment gone awry… but with the faintest hint of nobody’s favorite apple.

 

Tastes Like: You know how the witch in Snow White tricks the titular damsel into eating a poison apple? We’re pretty sure not even a true love’s kiss could wake anyone up after downing this poisonous apple bile. 

 

Typical Drinkers: People who seriously don’t give a fuck (like, “zero fucks given,” but in a bad way), people given the cruelest of drinking dares, freshmen easily persuaded by pictures of fruit plastered on plastic liquor bottles, the regular Burnett’s aficionado (if you like one, you unfortunately like ‘em all). 

 

User Comments: 

“N-no… it’s OK… let’s just go get more liquor instead. I’ll even pay for it, honestly.”  

“The inside of my churning stomach feels like the tenth circle of Hell right now.”  

“I just graduated last semester… this shouldn’t happen post-22.”  

“DRINK UP, PUSSIES. COTTON CANDY FLAVORED IS NEXT.” 

 

Best Described as an Outdated Historical Hyperbole: Not even a Prohibition-era moonshine enthusiast would dare guzzle down this brand of Satan’s eternally damned urine. 

 

What the Ghost of Christmas Present Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “Wow. The Ghost of Christmas Future is gonna have a field day when he shows you how this one turns out.” 

 

Food Pairing Suggestions: Habanero peppers, Blazin’ Wings from Buffalo Wild Wings, a cheese grater… pretty much anything to get your mouth coated with something far more tolerable. 

 

You’ll Like This if You Like: The idea of sadomasochism, but without the icky nudie and skin-tight leather parts. 

 

We Mixed it With: Nothing, sadly. But then again, not even a thousand gallons of 7-Up could make a difference here.

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