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Booze Review: Jack Daniel’s Straight Rye Whiskey

Jack Daniel’s, AKA hillbilly idiot juice, is a brand of whisky produced in Lynchburg, Tennessee. Jack is the de facto face of hard alcohol; people everywhere can bond over the sweet, sweet water that is Jack. It has brought you some of the best and worst times of your life. Mostly your worst. Here’s our Jack Daniel’s Straight Rye Whiskey review. 

Grade: A-

Smells Like:
Your creepy uncle who lives in your grandparent’s basement, which he refers to as his man cave.

Tastes Like:
Pain, suffering, hardship and vanilla. Yummy!

Typical Drinkers:
– That dude that’s an active member of the beard community who attends multiple facial-hair expos a year and has “classy gentleman” in his Tinder bio.

– An ex-athlete who peaked in high school who spends his days talking about how he could have gone pro if it wasn’t for that ACL tear.

– That one guy who’s really into William Faulkner and smokes cigarettes for the aesthetic.

– Men who wake up early for NASCAR races.

– People who participate in Civil War reenactments on Sunday mornings right after church.

– Parents who sneak in booze at their kids’ little league game.

User Comments:
– “Why do I all of a sudden care about the harvest?”

– “I can and will fight anyone who accidentally bumps into me right now.”

– “I am a lot whiter than I expected to be.”

– “Old McDonald had a farm, but also herpes.”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:
– Jim Beam. There’s only room for one booze that’s named after a white dude.

Don’t Drink This If:
You can’t bench your body weight. Only the strong can handle the beast that is Jack.

Chug This:
As frequently as possible. Let the world know how tough you are, bro.

We Mixed it With:
Testosterone, toxic masculinity and some cow dung.

 

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