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Booze Review: Olde English 800

So it’s Saturday night and you wanna forget about the unfortunate events that ultimately make up your academic career. Too bad you spent every day this week drinking practically every brand of alcohol The Black Sheep has ever reviewed. Now you’re left with maybe 3 dollars, and it turns out your parents were deadass about cutting you off. But all is not lost: This 40 oz. malt liquor is a bargain and a half that will give you the buzz you desire, but definitely don’t deserve. Here’s our Olde English 800 review:

 

Grade: B+

Smells Like:
A mixture of moldy bread and a mysterious fermented juice left rotting in your fridge by the random roommate you found off some random Facebook group.

Tastes Like:
A mixture of all the random shitty beer brands (that you’re far too familiar with) available at Circle K.

 

Typical Drinkers:

– People who regularly frequent tobacco stores.

– Whip-It! addicts.

– People who still listen to “Old English” by Young Thug at parties.

– The loser who “just doesn’t like bars.”

– People who pettily send you Venmo payment requests.

 

User Comments:

– “Fine, I’ll just get a forty.”

– “I should get my life together.”

– “Can I borrow 50 cents?”

– “I need to crawl inside my own turtleneck.”

 

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:
Anything above your $3 price range. Times are tough and you’re a dude who can’t finesse drunk girls for free drinks. Gender roles, right?

Post-Breakup Life Hack:
She left you ‘cause you’re poor and won’t amount to anything? Do Edward Fortyhands all night, every night. It’s a fun distraction from texting her, “I just miss us.”

This Drink Is So Cheap; Will I Actually Get Drunk?
You’d be surprised it’s such a drunk bargain!

We Mixed It With:
Items from the bargain bin at Dollar Tree.

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