Intent on putting on a theatrical performance of their own, Samantha Branstatter received the “Big D Experience” from her boyfriend, Mark Santini this past Monday night. The event went down in the back seat of his 2010 Toyota Corolla in the parking lot of the Carmike 13 movie theater in Champaign.
“We had just gotten out of Deadpool and I could tell, I mean, like, I know when Sam is super horny,” Santini shared, standing by his trunk upon completion of coitus. “I could tell she was getting a little hot during the movie, Ryan Reynolds’ voice alone did it for me. Plus, the Big D at Carmike is just so realistic, it’s like he was there.”
John McCormick, who had been walking to his car with his young daughter following a showing of Kung-Fu Panda 3, caught a glimpse of the two University of Illinois psychology majors in scene 1, act 2.
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“Yeah, I saw the whole thing in 3D. The flying fist, the young dumpling, the chopstick surprise; the action set pieces were pretty incredible,” said the awestruck father. “There was a lot of rising action, and then the climax? POW! Right in the kisser! It’s really something you could watch again and again. I’d give it an 8 out of 10… Oh, you asked about Kung Fu Panda? Yeah, it was fine.”
For her part, Branstatter was quite content with the visceral performance.
“To be honest, I just really wanted to bone,” Branstatter stated, speaking through the partially rolled down back window of her boyfriend’s car. “Seeing a masked Ryan Reynolds in a spandex suit is exactly what I needed to get out of the subpar sex funk we’ve been in. I just really needed that Big D tonight.”
When asked on the potential plot of the next film, Santini asked for “ just like thirty minutes” before a sequel performance.