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Chancellor Wise Steps Down as Reward For #1 Party Ranking

Effective August 12th, Phyllis Wise will step down from her position as the Chancellor of the University of Illinois. Her resignation came willingly from her heart as a reward to her students. A reward for their efforts in attaining the rank of number one party school in the nation.


Seeing as it has been years since the university has been number one in anything, students were elated to find that they had finally won something. Even the infamous campus doomsday preacher, Brother Jed, lightened up in response to the news. “They’re all going to Hell, but at least they’ll be the most successful ones there,” he said with a begrudgingly light grimace.


But giving backhanded compliments just wouldn’t do for Chancellor Wise. First she made the obligatory comments that the ranking was “insulting to all of our students, since they are here to prepare to become leaders of their generation.” But then Mrs. Wise performed a flawless 180, and did all her students a major solid.


“Look, the students here, they have a rough time,” said a woman wearing sunglasses and a lowered ball cap that could neither confirm nor deny that she was Phyllis Wise. “They don’t have a mascot, the weather sucks 90% of the time they’re on campus, and their football team can barely compete with Pop-Warner,” she sighed.


“When you see students rise to an occasion, grab the bull by the horns, and say ‘I don’t care if I have a midterm tomorrow, I’m going to Red Lion,’ it warms the cockles your heart,” continued the woman. “I can only assume that her resignation came a congratulations, and a gift that was a long time coming.”


When asked if there was anything the woman thought Chancellor Wise regrets, she responded, “I would quote one of her favorite bands, country sensation Florida Georgia Line,” she said with a sparkle in her eye. “I see clearer in the review mirror than I ever did lookin’ over the hood, yeah man we had some damn good times, and I sure hope everybody’s doin’ good.”


ith that completely-out-of-left-field answer, she turned, hopped onto a chariot made of ice pulled by polar bears, and rode off into the sunset.

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