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Checking Out the New UGL Carpet Upgrade

When the Undergraduate Library announced it was getting new carpet, students nodded in approval and moved on to get their coffee at Espresso Royale.


Little did everyone know that the carpet would be so much more than just another thing to walk over every day. A sweetheart back home is someone to use and walk all over. The new UGL carpet is something to cherish and respect.


Gail MacDonald, UGL supervisor of the planning and installation of the new carpet, was bursting at the seams about the new carpet’s amenities. She literally jumped up and down and clapped her hands about it.


“You are going to die when you find out everything this carpet can do,” MacDonald exclaimed, hopping up and down on the new threads. “This ain’t your grandma’s carpet.”


MacDonald said her favorite feature is that the carpet is scented, having been installed with a scratch-and-sniff system.


“The soles of your shoes shuffling along the carpet won’t set off the scent,” MacDonald explained. “Instead, you have to be old fashioned, bend over with your rear in the air, scratch with your finger nail, and take a big whiff.”


Her coworker, Bob, interrupted to say MacDonald just had to tell the joke the UGL staff came up with.


MacDonald complied and continued, “How do you drown a blonde at the ARC? You put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool. How do you suffocate a blonde with carpet? You put a scratch-and-sniff system in the carpet and let a stampede trample her when the library announces they brought in therapy dogs for finals week.”


Bob keeled over laughing.


MacDonald and her design team wanted to hit all the senses of people who visit the UGL. For example, a note of “Oskee Wow Wow” plays each time you take a step on the carpet.


“I need to hear another note of ‘Oskee Wow Wow’ like I need a dildo in the ass,” Kyle Farrroway, UGL student employee, said. “I don’t.”


The carpet design team took into consideration complaints about the UGL, including one that the library feels like “Satan’s red-hot asshole” when the heaters are turned on for the first time.


“We’ve had to implement a ‘no shirt, no deodorant, no study space’ policy when it gets toasty in here,” MacDonald said.


Also, when students tap their feet on the floor three times, vents open up on the floor and a fan blows cold air up on students, annoyingly blowing their hair in front of their face.


“It’s like the Wizard of Oz, except now there’s no place like the library,” MacDonald smirked. Kyle rolled his eyes and put his earbuds back in.


The innovative features don’t stop with the carpet. You can now reserve a special all-nighter chair that connects to your spinal cord and injects caffeine in 15-minute intervals.


“We agreed to a merger with the UGL to supply the caffeine,” Amy Schumaker, manager at the Espresso Royale in the UGL, said. “We might expand by having the chairs force feed overpriced croissants down people’s throats to keep them from getting too shaky from all the caffeine.”


The UGL staff has its own method of keeping the library from being filled with a hundred Michael J. Foxes. They’re expanding the Ask-a-Librarian service. Simply send them the message “S.O.S.” if you need a CLIF energy bar, back massage or note of encouragement. But some of the features were simply designed to screw with people. Kyle came up with the idea to install sensors in the floor by the printers that determine exactly how unresponsive printers will be based on the intensity of your passive aggressiveness with the printer.


Other features were installed for security and safety reasons. Arrows along the floor now light up aisles to lead you to the nearest bathroom when you get all turned around in the square-shaped library.


The carpet can also detect if you are in the library and have an overdue item. A giant claw will emerge from the ceiling and drop you in a holding cell until your roommate brings you some of your laundry money to pay the fine.


To enforce the no-food policy (except for the snacks provided by the Ask-a-Librarian service), a net will scoop you up if you drop a crumb on the floor. You’ll be released when a security cop cuts you free and confiscates your heavily-sauced-up footlong from Subway.


“Carpet has never meant more to college students,” MacDonald reflected. “I can’t wait for everyone to experience it.”

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