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Coach Beckman Gets Blackballed, Bill Cubit Named New Pledge Master

After an external investigation of alleged reports of Coach Beckman abusing his players and mistaking the team for fraternity pledges, Athletic Director Mike Thomas and the members of the Fighting Illini football team unanimously blackballed Pledge Master Beckman at today’s chapter meeting.


It was reported that at the chapter meeting Beckman’s last plea for forgiveness before the blackball vote consisted of him yelling things like “You’re all pussies if you blackball me!” and “How dare you betray a brother that gets severely overpaid!” and a memorable “BRUH, YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A SORORITY.” His plea was not enough to save him from getting blackballed.


One of Pledge Master Beckman’s uncomfortable hazing rituals of its players was making through play games through injury, however that wasn’t the worst hazing ritual the players had to go through.


“Pledge Master Beckman forced us to play 2015 National Champions Ohio State Buckeyes at Ohio State last year and we got our asses whooped on live television,” said quarterback Wes Lunt. “He knew we were going to lose. He just wanted to embarrass us in front of the world.”


It’s unfortunate for the team that the blackballing took place just a week before pledging starts. But, the assistant to Pledge Master Beckman, Bill Cubit has been named the new Pledge Master. He plans to keep the tradition


“I will continue the football’s reputation of being a bottom-tier fraternity on campus and in the Big Ten conference and make sure these pledges aren’t such pussies,” said Bill Cubit. “We’ll see how long it takes until I get blackballed.”

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