Local Monopoly Man, Scott Cochrane, has recently acquired famed gay bar Chester Street (C-Street) in the hopes of turning it into another “safe space for fraternity men” on UIUC’s campus.
“Buying out C-Street is definitely one of my best business ventures to date,” Cochrane explained. “Not only does it have a vibrant dance floor that the sorority bitches love, but those 25-cent drinks were perfect for flexing bar pull on a budget.”
Senior member of ATO and Red Lion bartender Tanner Winklevoss was shocked to find out that Chester Street Bar was a gay bar, however.
“Oh, it’s a gay bar? I just thought it was the only place in Champaign to get 25-cent drinks,” said Winklevoss, looking perplexed. “I’m honestly just pumped that there’ll be another bar like Lion off campus where we can get sorority girls shitfaced and a safe space for me to wear a children’s size basketball jersey.”
Cochrane is excited that UIUC’s fraternity men will have another Cochrane bar at their disposal for their off-campus events.
“Gay people don’t need another safe space, you know same-sex marriage is legal now, what else do they want? Frat guys need this space more than ever.” said Cochrane, crushing an empty can of Natty Light on his head and missing the garbage can. “Society is always blaming them and judging them, but frat guys do a lot of good things, like putting on pageants and events in Frat Park for charities that they can’t name.”
Cochrane’s new bar will be open this upcoming school year for off-campus exchanges, semi-formals, and for fraternity men to flock to when they’re feeling triggered. In the meantime, the LGBT community is left to find Jell-O shots somewhere else.