Last night it was 4-inch stilettos at Lion, this morning it’s flats for an internship with the Urbana City Government. But, she looks pretty good in her blazer on that LinkedIn pic. Try to establish a mutually-beneficial working relationship with her, or no?
Brendan: No, of course it’s a bad idea; LinkedIn is a place of business, and once you start mixing business with pleasure, that’s prostitution, holmes. There’s a thin line between buying drinks for sex and straight-up paying for it. This makes that line thinner.
Thomas ‘Paign: The whole point of LinkedIn is connecting with people, and boning someone’s a pretty strong connection if you ask me. Plus, it’s a great way to beef up your endorsements on your profile. Teamwork, Multi-tasking, Leadership…maybe even Microsoft Excel if you’re feeling really kinky.
Brendan: And just like sex, people lie about their proficiency on LinkedIn all the time. How are you going to feel when she declines to endorse your proficiency in Hardware Insertion because you couldn’t even get her to climax?
Thomas ‘Paign: Regardless of whether you get endorsements, every connection you can make is a valuable one, especially in this economy. Maybe one day she’ll be President of the United States and she can land you a sweet gig in the West Wing. Who knows? She might even let you be her own little Monica Lewinsky.
Brendan: So you’re saying the end result of your genius plan is to end up covered in jizzy clothes humiliated on the national stage? Sounds like a great idea. This should be LinkedIn’s new slogan.
Thomas ‘Paign: No, the end goal is to get to the coveted 500+ connections on LinkedIn to get your profile to All-Star status. It’s pretty hard to get there with only your degenerate co-workers from the camp you work at over summer and your relatives. As with one night stands, I could definitely get behind the new slogan.
Brendan: Thomas, Tommy, Tom. This plan is a bad idea that somehow keeps getting worse. You’re whoring yourself out to as many people as possible with bad sex to amass a strong business following. This is a house of cards waiting for post-coital collapse– people are going to start asking for their money back, and you don’t even have a business yet.
Thomas ‘Paign: I can do cute nicknames too, Brendarino. Hey, maybe that can be a business I could start. But don’t worry, I’ll be sure to put in a good word for you with my abundant LinkedIn connections when you fall behind professionally due to your poor networking (sextworking?) skills.
Brendan: Hey, just because I don’t go around bragging about the number of people I’ve intimately connected with on LinkedIn, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. And for dudes, isn’t it whatever number they say, divided by three? 150-some just isn’t that much if you just asked them nicely online.
Thomas ‘Paign: Bragging is everything in the professional world and that’s what LinkedIn’s for. Whether that it’s that you got a promotion or that you got with that hot girl in your statistics class 20 years ago, this is the platform for you to shine. Because let’s face it, life turns to shit after college so you might as well relive those glory days as much as you can.
Brendan: Just don’t wear that varsity tennis jacket you definitely have in your closet to any job interviews, okay? Please?
Thomas ‘Paign: Oh, I won’t. I haven’t been able to fit in that bad boy for quite some time. It must’ve shrunk in the wash or something…