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CS Major Reprograms Sex Doll, Transforms Her Into Perfect Formal Date

In his fruitless search to find a spring formal date on the CS 225 Piazza, Jared Marsh, a junior in computer science, has decided to focus his efforts on what can only be described as Extreme Makeover: Sexbot Edition.


“I tried everything—I sent a few girls in my classes some sex memes and offered to help them with the machine problem, but I guess they didn’t get the hint that I wanted to take them to spring formal,” a dismayed Marsh explained.


Marsh’s reformed sex doll, who has legally changed her name from Candi to Catherine, is reportedly handling the transformation quite well. Marsh claims to have programmed her to excel in everything from fine dining to Samba dancing.


“I want to show all the girls who cruelly responded, ‘I don’t get it’ to my unnecessarily complex CS memes that I don’t need them,” Marsh stated. “Look – I can build a better date all by myself.”

Marsh also noted that he programmed Catherine to immediately laugh at all his jokes to avoid this issue in the future.


Karen Shields, one of Marsh’s many heartbreakers, said she saw he and Catherine dress shopping for the event at the Market Place Mall last Saturday.


“I mean, I’m happy for Jared, I suppose?” noted a somewhat perplexed Shields. “Truth be told, I thought he was going to ask me to formal, but he got really defensive when I told him that ‘whomst’d’ve’ wasn’t a word and only existed in the meme world.”

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