It’s that time of year when the frat houses assert their dominance over one another by stringing lights in the shapes of their letters. In order to reaffirm this fragile masculinity, we decided to do a definitive power ranking of the UIUC frat houses, their lights and their legacy.
Wow. For a house that does the most when it comes to blasting your music way too loud in the morning and continuously bragging about Hugh Hefner building your mansion, you guys did the least for holiday season lights. 0/10, would not shack at this mansion.
You guys should have taught your pledges that P and B are not the same letters. Maybe start watching a little more Sesame Street and a little less porn. 2.5/10, shame on your pledge educator.
We’re pretty sure your theta is just a lighted wreath with a string of lights through the middle of it. It sounds like the black mold ate away at the creative parts of your pledges’ brains. 3/10 for straight laziness.
You guys just are completely outshined by your neighbors—literally. You’ve done some good work at trying to stay relevant next to the Champaign Super Nova, but your delta is droopy and needs some attention ASAP. 4/10, trying to stay relevant.
Not bad, sliding into an old sorority house suits you guys well. Santa is struggling to stay standing. 4/10 for poor pledge command.
Fah-lah-lah-lah-lah-lah-lah-frat. We love the well-structured letters, but you could use more lights. Better call your sociopathic pledges and get them on this. 6/10, guys being dudes.
It turns out if you mix a shit-ton of bros, a shit-ton of lights, and a little bit of cocaine holiday magic, a frat can really class it up and almost make us forget how frat you guys are. 7/10, feel free to bro out for the holidays.
This house looks like a gingerbread house and we love it. So festive, so fun. You guys may be irrelevant during the rest of the year, but for now, we know your name. 8/10, temp top hau5.
This house DOES THE MOST—Wow. You were featured on TFM. Cool.
Even though this looks like a classed-up version of National Lampoon’s Christmas, it’s hard to enjoy it when our retinas are being burned. Seriously, how do you frat stars even sleep at night? These lights are like white privilege: difficult to completely understand, but totally obvious. Still, even in our confusion, we can’t help but appreciate the results of a semester’s worth of brutal hazing. 9/10. We get it, you’re the Alpha chapter.
This frat has the perfect blend of whimsy, class, and frat. The letters are defying gravity, symmetrical and they’re bright and cheery. Congrats on no one falling off your balcony yet! 10/10 Merry Frattmas.
Kudos to the frats that tried to light up their house the right way instead of burning your houses down during some weird ritual. Happy Holidays, bruh.