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Douchebag Ruining Illini Intramurals for Everyone


Sophomore asshole who was barely more than moderately good at sports in high school athlete Pat Rayburn has joined several intramural teams for the fall semester. According to literally everyone else involved with intramural sports, he has been wreaking more havoc in his leagues than when you absolutely destroy a toilet after eating gas station sushi.


We caught up with “The Legend” (how he refers to himself), some of his teammates, and a few referees after one of his soccer games and were able to find out how his intramural experience is going.


“Yeah, I was captain of my high school football team for my senior year and got called up to varsity for the state playoffs at the end of my sophomore year,” said Rayburn in response to absolutely nothing. We hadn’t asked him anything yet.


After Rayburn told us of his dominant experiences in all sports, we wanted to see what his teammates and the referees thought of him.


“I’m on his coed sand volleyball team, and all he does the entire game is talk about how he should be laying pipe in some ho on the beach instead of playing volleyball,” said teammate Stacy Phillips.


The rest of Rayburn’s volleyball team informed us that it was extremely awkward when they played the team from Saint John’s Catholic Newman Center last week.


“They gradually left player by player in the middle of the second set,” added Phillips.


A few of the soccer referees vented to us about Rayburn, too. “I’m not even sure if he has any soccer experience. I’ve never seen such an incompetent player. Every single week he just runs around the field shouting, ‘this isn’t real football! Only communists play this pussy shit!’ and tackling random kids like it’s an actual American football game,” said hysterically crying soccer referee Bill Jenkins.


“For Christ’s sake get your act together, Bill. You’re such a vagina,” added one of his coworkers.


“I’ve been an athlete my whole life. I was a stud in all four years of high school football. I’m not sure if I mentioned this earlier, but I got called up to varsity as a sophomore and actually played on the sophomore team as a freshman,” ranted Rayburn before we even asked a question. “I guess I was just a superior athletic specimen compared to the rest of the kids on the team. Plus, I played high school basketball for two years, so, yeah, I kind of have an unfair advantage over most people in these intramural games.”


Upon setting the world record for talking about oneself as much as possible, our beloved narcissist informed us that he had to get back to his pad to watch Monday Night Football. Apparently, Rayburn’s fantasy team isn’t doing that well (probably because he couldn’t draft himself for every position).


“Yeah, this fantasy season hasn’t been a great one, but I came up with a freakin’ clever name: Forgetting Brandon Marshall,” said Rayburn.

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