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Dry Rush Resulting In Geed Pledge Classes

With Welcome Week over, fraternity rush has gone into full-swing across the UIUC campus. With the Interfraternity Council enforcing the social alcohol ban more than ever, the drinking at rush events has dropped significantly, because no fraternities ever break any rules. However, there has been a side effect that nobody saw coming and could permanently change the Greek community forever.


“All these rushees are fuckin’ geeds,” complained Alex Farnan, a fraternity member from an undisclosed house. According to Farnan and many other fraternity brothers, the change in rush tactics has led to potential pledges being bigger boners than they have ever been before. “I mean, clearly every freshman that rushes will be somewhat of a goober but things are getting out of hand,” continued Farnan. He alleged that while speaking to a rush Tuesday night the freshman in question asked whether he preferred the HTC One or the Nexus 5. That is a horrifying question because as we all know Android is for geeds, and if you’re even going to consider going down that path you gotta get a Galaxy 5S.


With increased focus on Quad Day and other sober events, fraternities have been attracting members that would have never considered joining a house in the past. IFC President Kurt Zellner is thrilled with the results so far this semester and plans to further expand the “geed-ification” of fraternities across campus.


“I have a dream that one day rushees will not be judged by the number of pockets on their shorts, but by the content of their character,” Zellner said with a tear in his eye. Blatant rip-offs of Martin Luther King Jr. aside, there are many that strongly oppose the increased enforcement.


Billy Jefferson, the recruitment chair for yet another undisclosed fraternity, said the rules have made his job infinitely more difficult. “A few years ago, we could pour liquor down these kids’ throats until the bar ran dry, but now everything’s different,” he sighed. “Now I have to actually think of things to have these little shits do that don’t involve alcohol, and let me tell you it sucks ass.” With sober events such as Game Night and Ultimate Frisbee, it’s not hard to see why fraternities have started attracting geeds.


Freshman Milton Walters said he never would’ve stood a chance in past years, but now he’s one of the top recruits. Well-versed in long boarding and playing the accordion, Walters claims that he’s exactly what fraternities are looking for. “I heard that they don’t play Dungeons & Dragons in frats, but I definitely want to change that,” replied Walters when asked what he wanted to get out of joining a fraternity. He also mentioned that he wants to meet girls, but as he said that it appeared that he peed his pants a little. 


Some fraternity brothers are so frustrated with this year’s rushees that they’re beginning to consider moving to a formal rush akin to how sororities on campus run rush. “Learning all those stupid songs would be better than living with a bunch of kids who get their rocks off playing League of Legends,” commented Farnan. Although that decision may sound a bit shortsighted, it speaks volumes on how geeds are taking over Illinois’ Greek system. 


As rush continues on for the next couple weeks, fraternities can only hope that the crop of freshman starts clearing up. While most fraternities always follow all the rules that are set up for them, many are considering going down the dark road that is known as dirty rush. As Jefferson so succinctly put it, “we were all geeds once, but holy shit these kids are fuckin’ geeds.”

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