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UIUC Economics Major Stuns at Career Fair with Extensive Log of Hours Spent Masturbating to Steve Jobs

 

The Illinois Business Fall Career Fair is full of young entrepreneurs seeking internships or small loans of a million dollars from their dream companies. Although many make a statement with their consistent contributions to FBLA or Model UN, UIUC sophomore economics major Joey Deppermann outshined his peers with his unparalleled dedication to business matters.

 

“To be honest, I know nothing about entrepreneurship. I showed up maybe twice a month to my ECON 102 classes and I haven’t joined any RSOs relating to business,” admitted Deppermann. “So, I had to find a different way to showcase my passion than a simple resume.”

 

Deppermann claims he simply has to attend to more important matters than class. Over the course of his studies at UIUC, Deppermann has logged over 500 hours spent masturbating to the beloved founder of Apple and business tycoon, Steve Jobs.

 

“I only chose economics because jacking it to distinguished men isn’t offered as a major at Illinois,” said Deppermann. “By keeping a log of all the hours I’ve spent masturbating, I managed to blow my load and blow away my competition at the career fair. It’s a win-win.”

 

The confident Deppermann caught the attention of several companies with his impressive 10-page chart, which also details precise starting and finishing times. Although his dream company, Apple, didn’t get the chance to see their watermark on Deppermann’s masturbation log, several other businesses took notice.

 

“It’s so nice to see a student who is so diligent about maintaining their interests. Every year, I see kids who join ten different business clubs and think that just having their name on the roster is enough,” said Rebecca Finkleberg, a recruiter from Amazon. “Here at Amazon, we love pioneering individuals who take initiative and really apply themselves, and Mr. Deppermann is certainly one of those people.”

 

Despite being offered internships at six companies, including Amazon, Deppermann has stated that he doesn’t plan on committing himself to any summer employment opportunities. Instead, he plans on further honing his masturbation technique for the next career fair in hopes that Apple will show up.

 

 

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