The JUUL is the cigarette of the future, and it has changed the stigma of vaping forever. Apparently, vaping is no longer reserved for greasy, fedora-clad virgins. Walking around campus, it becomes apparent that Illini from all walks of life are slaves to the JUUL’s potent nicotine buzz. When inhaling the tantalizing vapor from the sleek device, one resembles a hard-boiled, futuristic bounty hunter. Since vaping is cool now, we have compiled a list of the sickest places to blow cloudz on the U of I campus.
6.) In the front row of your 500-person 8 a.m. lecture:
The morning cigarette is an ancient smoker’s tradition that crosses cultural boundaries. Imagine the jealousy on the faces of your peers when they see you strategically seated front and center of the lecture hall, filling the room with vast, swirling clouds. Getting expelled from lecture will make you appear cool as hell, because everybody knows the STATS 100 ladies love a bad boy.
5.) The County Market fresh produce section:
It is safe to assume that anyone browsing the fresh produce section at County Market is health-conscious. In other words, they are dirty, whiny hippies who probably study dance at Parkland. Show your disdain for these types by conjuring a vortex of smoke from your JUUL, silently poisoning their kale and avocados with carcinogens and a sickening fruit flavor.
4.) In the UIUC rare books library:
One of the most enticing factors of the JUUL is that smoking exponentially increases the number of nerds you can flex on. And what better place to do so than a nexus of dusty, priceless books? If you’re lucky, you’ll have a few English majors gasping for breath and reaching for their inhalers.
3.) In the dingy basement of your frat house, right under the smoke alarm:
Another pro of the JUUL is that it isn’t easily picked up by smoke detectors, so unless you’re an idiot and blowing smoke right into the alarm, there’s no such thing as a “JUUL-free zone.” Post up directly beneath the smoke alarm at the peak of the party, and dazzle hordes of freshmen with your disregard for safety protocol.
2.) During sex in the Six Pack:
The Six Pack dorms have a very strict no-smoking policy, but once again, the JUUL comes in clutch by not setting off the fire alarm. Is getting laid in your squeaky twin bed in Hopkins while your roommate puts a pillow over his head losing its appeal? Add a little flavor by blasting your JUUL, engulfing you and your FWB in a cloud of passionate smoke that your R.A. can’t kick you out for.
1.) During the office hours of your cruelest professor:
The prospect of meeting your strict professor one-on-one is scary, but you, the JUUL slinger, have an indomitable will. Immediately assert yourself as the alpha male by blowing a plume of smoke in you professor’s face, cutting him off mid-sentence. If that doesn’t shake him up enough, tell him to brush up on his smoke tricks.
So you’ve blasted cigs at all the top spots in campus, but now it’s time to class it up and blast your JUUL at these happenin’ spots. It helps to don some killer shades in broad daylight so everyone knows you’re too cool for this school.