Freshman year at UIUC is the time to branch out and make friends outside the 50 kids from your suburban Chicago high school who also go here. Unfortunately, any attempt to meet new people will probably result in you meeting fake-ass hoes. So, here are five of the fakest hoes you’re sure to meet in your Weston Hall friend group this year:
Your first bonding point with Monica is that you’re from Aurora and she’s from Naperville, so you’re totally going to hang out all the time on breaks! Think again. Come winter break, she’ll just bool with her high school friends. Moreover, she’s a follower, and she’ll always end up on those impromptu trips to Kickapoo with the other fake hoes in your group that you find out about only once they appear on everyone’s Instagram stories.
We stan a wholesome queen! Annabella’s deal is she’s a little bit different than the other girls…a little bit. She may go out as much as other girls, but the difference is she’s into alternative music, and sometimes when she decides not to go out, she’ll cop a game of Catan from the front desk and encourage the whole squad to play! Unfortunately, she’s no less fake than any other hoe in your Weston friend group. She’s usually the person to initiate those impromptu trips to Kickapoo that you ultimately aren’t invited to.
Hallie is pretty chill when you first meet her: She’s a blunt queen who enjoys making fun of people, and her finsta is lowkey poppin’. However, she does fall rush for the hell of it with her random other friend from Weston, and she’ll cut you off as soon as she gets a bid. She’ll eventually go on to join SDT, go to Lion every night, and then wonder why she’s always sick. She’ll of course blame the stale central Illinois air and her “allergies.” It’s okay, though–she’ll be gone next semester.
We suppose it was inevitable that the friends you found first would end up meeting your roommate. Annabella and your roommate Aria are similar in that they’re a little bit deviant from the norm but are basically normies. Aria’s super into A24 and other pretentious shit, and she “forgets” to follow you back on her artsy finsta. Worse than that, she clicks immediately with all the hoes you introduced her to, but you can hardly get her to speak to you in a one-on-one setting.
You were too focused on your studies dick in high school to pay attention to your own self. One night, while stumbling home shitfaced from a bottom-house frat party, you’ll examine yourself in one of those oddly-placed mirrors on your floor and think, Damn. I really suck, don’t I? Once you’ve had this revelation, it’ll be clear why you wound up with such shitty, fake friends your freshman year.
The people you meet in Weston this year will surely suck ass, but don’t fret! You’ll just have to do informal rush in spring or get on the exec board of some bougie RSO to make friends that suck less than the fake hoes of Weston.
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